


I'm going to fight for her

by tropicalnightsss



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa, Doctors, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tropicalnightsss/pseuds/tropicalnightsss
Summary: “Why are we fighting?” Clarke says with a pleading voice and apparently it was the wrong thing to say because Lexa now wears an incredulous face.“Fighting? Long overdue don’t you think?” Lexa says with a laugh and starts walking again.“I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa says and Clarke blacks out.Everything seems to be going great for Clarke Griffin until one sudden announcement crumbles her entire life. Her wife and love of her life wants a divorce.And Clarke be damned before she gives up on her marriage so easily.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Luna/Raven Reyes (minor), Octavia Blake/Lincoln (minor)
Comments: 411
Kudos: 639





	1. End Game

Something is disturbing her but no matter how hard Clarke tries to place her feelings, it’s all in vain.

With a sigh, she opens her apartment door and steps in.

“Babe? You there?” Clarke calls out as she casually goes through her bills before dropping them carelessly on the dining table.

When she hears no response, Clarke makes her way to her bedroom before stripping her clothes and standing in the shower.

It was a tough day and being in a surgery for more than 4 hours did not bode well for her tired back muscles. Clarke moans in pleasure as the hot water hits her body and she closes her eyes in pleasure.

Halfway through her much needed shower, Clarke hears a door shut and she knows her wife is home.

The thought of her wife brings a smile to Clarke’s face. She smiles when she thinks about the day she first laid eyes on her. And she knew right then and there that Lexa was the best thing that could ever happen to her.

\-------------

Clarke changes into a sweater and shorts and walks into the kitchen. She leans against the wall there silently and watches Lexa with a smile as she unpacks the take-out that she got.

Lexa turns around in search of a plate when she suddenly catches sight of Clarke. She gasps.

“That’s creepy, Clarke.” Lexa says with a small smile. And even after 5 years, Clarke doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to the way Lexa pronounces her name.

She walks up to Lexa and gives her a kiss.

“Hey.” Clarke whispers after she pulls away.

Lexa is looking at her so intently that Clarke takes a step back. “What?” She asks Lexa nervously.

Lexa simply gives her a shake of her head and goes to take 2 plates out of the drawer.

“What’s wrong, Lexa?” Clarke says again but the smile has left her face. Now it’s filled with apprehension at Lexa’s face.

“Nothing.” Lexa assures her with a smile before setting the dinner table.

And Clarke, looking thoroughly unconvinced helps Lexa set the table. “How was your day? Saw that you had a bowel resection today. How did it go?”

“Good.” Lexa replies back curtly. The single word reply didn’t help Clarke’s uneasiness. “How was your day?” Lexa asks back politely.

“Fairly easy. Valve replacement.” Clarke shrugs as if it was no big deal but a pit of worry at the bottom of her stomach gradually starts to open up.

“Where were you today?” Clarke answers after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. And as long as Clarke could remember, there was never a single moment like this between them.

“I told you. Bowel resection. Nasty business.” Lexa replies with a grimace as she takes a seat.

Clarke sits down opposite her and frowns. “That’s not what I asked. I came down to the ER. You weren’t there.”

Lexa freezes, her fork full of noodles halfway to her mouth. And then Lexa looks at her with her big green eyes full of something. Regret? Guilt?

Clarke’s ear started to buzz slightly as if that could prevent her from what was to come next.

“We need to talk.” And with those four words, Clarke feels as if her entire world has come to a stop. Her dread doesn’t have anything to do with what those four words were but more with how they were said.

Instead, Clarke sports a small smile and braves through. “You said so today when you texted. That you wanted to have dinner with me.” Clarke waves her phone for emphasis.

“Since dinner became a very tough ordeal to sit through, we needed to start planning them.” Lexa snaps and Clarke freezes.

“What?”

“When is the last time we ate together?” Lexa gets up from her chair and starts walking around agitatedly. As if she couldn’t be silent anymore.

Clarke’s heart starts to beat painfully and her chest feels so tight. Yet, she replies in a strangled voice “Yesterday. Lunch.”

“With our friends.” Lexa snaps and Clarke jumps. “That doesn’t count. When was the last time we sat and had dinner like this?” Lexa runs her hand through her hair.

“Last week. We went on a date right?”

“And before it could start, you were called away.” Lexa replies with an accusatory tone.

“Hey! You’re a surgeon too. Don’t talk as if you’ve never had to leave mid-way through our dates.” Clarke says back through clenched teeth.

Lexa sighs and looks at Clarke for a few seconds.

“Why are we fighting?” Clarke says with a pleading voice and apparently it was the wrong thing to say because Lexa now wears an incredulous face.

“Fighting? Long overdue don’t you think?” Lexa says with a laugh and starts walking again.

Clarke really wants to get up and approach Lexa but she’s afraid that if she puts any weight on her legs, they’ll just collapse.

“Lexa….” Clarke begins with a pleading tone.

And when Lexa hears Clarke’s pained voice, she stops and stares intently at Clarke. She sits back in her chair slowly.

Clarke can’t bring herself to say anything more. Her throat is closing up so much, she’s not sure she can breathe. Her eyes are misty as if her body is preparing in advance.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa says and Clarke blacks out.

\------------

“…..Clarke.” Lexa’s mouth moves but Clarke hasn’t heard a single word. She can hear her heart beating loudly and the loud gush of air (is her fan speed on high?) in her ear but nothing else.

Then she hears something pop, the gushing sound stops and she blinks in confusion.

“What?” Clarke’s voice is so small, she’s not sure Lexa heard it. “What?” She repeats again for Lexa’s sake.

She blinks and before she can stop it, tears overflow from her eyes. And Clarke thinks that her eyes must have been a dam because after that the tears don’t seem to stop at all.

“What?” Clarke says again. She’s positive she didn’t hear what Lexa said properly.

_Why on earth would Lexa be saying those words?_

“I want a divorce.” Lexa says with something akin to sadness in her voice when the world comes crashing down around Clarke.

\--------------

**5 years ago-**

“We’re being paged by the new attending.” Octavia groans as she looks into her pager.

Clarke looks at her pager and indeed, Dr.Woods, the new trauma attending was paging them both to the ER.

“Come on guys.” She motions to Octavia’s and her over eager interns to follow them to the ER.

“Dr.Woods. He sounds hot.” Octavia remarks offhandedly.

“How sexist. It could be a woman for all we know.” Clarke snorts as she tries to make her hair look more presentable after a 12 hour shift. “And do I need to remind you about Lincoln?”

Octavia waves a hand nonchalantly but the name of her boyfriend brings a smile to her face.

Just as Octavia and Clarke are about to enter the ER, Octavia stops at looks at Clarke with concern.

Clarke seems taken aback by the sudden change in her friend’s demeanor so she asks a slightly concerned “What?”

And Clarke would think back to that single what and how it changed her life.

“Don’t sleep with the new trauma doctor and chase him away.” Octavia says with a grin and enters the ER.

Clarke takes a few seconds to react and when all the interns behind her snicker, she shuts them all up with a well-executed glare before she follows Octavia into the ER.

“I didn’t chase him away.” Clarke replies to Octavia who’s looking around in the crowded ER searching for Dr.Woods.

“You did.” Octavia says again with a smirk looking for someone in dark blue scrubs.

“Maybe I did.” Clarke relents. Finn had wanted more but Clarke wasn’t ready. More like didn’t want to. “Besides he couldn’t handle this.” She adds waving a hand at herself.

Octavia whistles appreciatively at that before she says “Just don’t do the same thing with Dr.Woods.” She’s still looking around for an attending.

“Where is he?” Octavia looks at her pager again.

“It could be a she, you know?” Clarke points out.

Octavia shrugs. “Maybe. Still don’t sleep with her.”

Clarke huffs and rolls her eyes. “For the last time, I’m not going to sleep with this Woods person.”

“That would really be a shame.” Clarke turns around at that and falls headfirst into the most gorgeous sets of eyes she’s ever seen.

\------------

Somehow Clarke thinks the best way to react to Lexa asking for a divorce from her would be laughing. And she does exactly that.

She laughs and laughs so much that her wife (ex now?) kneels down next to her in concern.

Because Clarke honestly thought she was done. She was done with finding someone else because Lexa is her forever. _Was her forever._

The tears streaming down from her cheeks don’t stop and after one point of time it’s hard to say whether she’s crying or laughing.

When Clarke’s laughter subsides gradually, Lexa steps back slowly with a frown on her face.

A few seconds later, Clarke asks a small “Why?” that if it wasn’t for the pin drop silence, Lexa would have not heard.

Surgeons used to say that the body always prepares itself for trauma. And Clarke witnesses that first hand when her body stops shaking and she’s finally able to stand up.

Lexa follows her movements with her eyes but doesn’t say anything.

“Why?” And at Clarke’s uncharacteristic snarl, Lexa startles.

“Is there….is there someone else?” Clarke asks and Clarke can’t figure out whose voice it was because there was no way Clarke sounds like that. Not so broken.

“No…no….of course not.” Lexa stammers. “It’s not you, Clarke. It’s me.”

And no matter how trite and cliché it sounds, Clarke couldn’t stop her heart from breaking. That tightness in chest returned with full force and Clarke gasps at the suddenness of it.

Realising how platitude it sounded, Lexa hastens to explain. “It’s me, Clarke. It’s me. I’ve changed. A lot. I’m not the same person I was when we fell in love. When we married. I’ve changed.” Lexa’s pleading voice pierces Clarke’s heart.

And maybe if Lexa’s previous words hadn’t broken her heart, it would have pained Clarke to see Lexa like this.

“And you want a divorce?”

Clarke notices for the first time that Lexa was crying too. Tear stained cheeks, sad eyes and dishevelled hair.

_If this was making her so sad, then why do it?_

“No.” The strength and fury in Clarke’s voice takes both her and Lexa by surprise.

“No?” Lexa frowns.

“No. I’m not giving up on you…on us that easily.” Clarke replies and Lexa’s mouth falls open.

“Clarke, I’ve changed. I’m the same person anymore.” Lexa’s gentle voice takes her by surprise.

“So you keep saying. So what?” Clarke frowns.

“I’m saying I don’t love you anymore.”

\-------------

Clarke thinks back to the last couple of months.

_When was the last time Lexa told me she loved me?_

And when Clarke racks her brains to figure out the last time she ever heard Lexa say those words to her, she fails.

It hits her. Hits her fast and hard. Her legs crumple beneath her but she manages to land heavily on the chair.

Lexa reacts suddenly when she sees Clarke collapse but when she sees Clarke land on her chair, she stays back.

Her breath is knocked out and she knows it’s not because of the physical impact.

She grasps the table edge hard to relieve the impossible pressure in her chest. But no matter how hard she squeezes the wooden table, the pressure is still there.

Her chest was going to burst at any moment and she was gladly going to take that pain in exchange for what Lexa had just told her.

She never thought this moment will come. Ever. Clarke’s been in love with Lexa pretty much since the moment she laid eyes on her and she never thought this would happen.

And Lexa looks like she never wanted to tell this to Clarke.

And amongst all her other thoughts, Clarke briefly wonders what Lexa had thought to say to her during the dinner today without breaking her heart.

And it comes as a shock to both Lexa and her when Clarke says “No.” again.

This time, the no sends Lexa gaping. As if she couldn’t for the world understand what was happening.

Clarke doesn’t understand what she’s doing either.

“No. We’re going to work it out.”

“Work it out?” Lexa repeats incredulously.

If the situation wasn’t the worst in her life, Clarke might have laughed at Lexa’s face.

Instead, Clarke watches silently as Lexa overcomes her shock and starts laughing.

And without another word to her wife, Lexa leaves their house.


	2. Story of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke confronts Lexa to finish their talk.

Clarke jerks and wakes up suddenly when she hears the sound of a door slamming shut. She almost falls down from the couch but manages to hold on to the edge.

After Lexa left, Clarke went to sleep on the couch waiting for her wife to return, to continue the talk.

With a sigh she looks at the phone and sees that the time is 7. She fell asleep waiting for Lexa to return.

Clarke walks into their bedroom (or just hers now?) and sees that the room hasn’t been disturbed; not since she took a bath the previous evening.

Lexa didn’t come home.

And as if her heart wasn’t aching enough, her neck muscles are now killing her. Clarke definitely is no longer a teenager and she knew she should stop behaving like one.

As she makes coffee, Clarke tries calling Lexa but it keeps ringing until it reaches her voicemail.

“You’ve reached Dr.Woods. Please leave a message.” She cuts the call and slams the phone on the kitchen counter.

And when she looks at her phone, she sees that there’s a crack.

_Yeah, I’ll add it to the list of things that are breaking and falling apart._

And Clarke doesn’t know what is falling into her coffee until she realises that it’s her tears.

She thinks about texting Octavia or Raven but she doesn’t want to. At least not yet.

She just wants to fall into someone’s arms and cry it all out. Why did Lexa bring this up so suddenly? Or was it growing all the while Clarke lived comfortably in her own bubble thinking that everything was great.

Clarke knew. She knew that things weren’t great. They were busy the past few months. They only saw each other when they came back home. And even then they were too exhausted from the day’s work to talk or go on a date.

But Clarke found solace and peace in Lexa’s arms every night. She knew she had someone to come back home to. Clearly Lexa didn’t feel the same way.

Clarke stands up with determination written all over her face. She was going to talk to Lexa. Ask her why. She wasn’t going to give up so easily. When she made those vows, 2 years ago, she took them seriously.

She wasn’t just going to up and quit just because her wife wanted something she didn’t.

And as she shut the apartment door on her way to the hospital, Clarke remembered that this was who she was. Not Abby Griffin’s daughter, Lexa’s wife or a cardio-thoracic surgeon. 

She is Clarke Griffin, stubborn extraordinaire.

\----------------

On her way in, she sees Octavia and her resolve almost slips.

In lieu of a greeting, Octavia calls out “You look like shit.”

“And you’re glowing.” Clarke says back. “Stupid pregnancy glow.” Clarke watches as Octavia rubs her bulging stomach with a soft smile.

“She’s awesome.”

“She?” Clarke shrieks.

“Yeah. We saw her during our last ultrasound.” Octavia replies with a bit of pride in her voice. “And besides, if I didn’t tell the Godmother then what sort of mother would I be?”

“Godmother?” Clarke points to herself just to clarify that she’s heard Octavia properly.

“Of course, you doofus. Who else?” Octavia says. “Besides, we always promised--”

Octavia stops talking and looks at Clarke’s whose eyes are filling up fast with tears.

She looks alarmed. “Clarke, I’m sorry. I should--”

Clarke stops her speech with a hug. “I’ll be really honoured to be the godmother of your daughter, Octavia.” Clarke smiles through tears falling fast.

This only alarms Octavia even more. “Are you okay?”

Clarke wipes her cheeks and smiles at Octavia. “I’m fine.”

Octavia looks extremely concerned but lets it pass. Clarke sighs in relief when she sees Octavia start walking with her to their lockers.

Clarke didn’t understand why she started crying suddenly. That was a lie. She knew. But she wasn’t sure if she thought about that again, she can’t get through the day. And when she felt she needed Lexa the most, she wasn’t around.

\--------------

“Raven, did you see Lexa around?” Clarke asks as she walks into the ER.

“Yeah. A multiple blunt trauma came in. She must be up in CT now.” Raven says.

“Thanks, Rae.” Clarke waves to Raven as she leaves the ER. “See you around.”

Clarke misses the frown on Raven’s face as she hurries to go see Lexa.

Clarke knew that the best place to have a personal conversation couldn’t be the hospital. She had way too much experience to know that it always served as gossip for everyone else.

But right now, she could care less about gossip. All she wanted to do was go to her wife. Look at her. And ask what had pushed her to the breaking point.

When she reaches the CT room, Lexa’s sitting in the chair in front of the monitors waiting for the scans to come up.

When she sees Lexa’s face again, a rush of emotions makes its way into her body so fast that she almost crumples. Again.

And Clarke can remember the pained look in Lexa’s face when she had said “I want a divorce.”

Clarke knew she must feel some kind of vindication when she sees Lexa’s forlorn and sad face but it never comes.

Instead what comes to her mind is the way Lexa looked at her when she had made her way down the aisle.

She knocks on the door softly before stepping into the room carefully. Lexa jumps in her seat before turning to face her with an attentive eyes but sad eyes.

“Hey.” Clarke whispers. She could have said a million different things to her wife who doesn’t want her anymore.

“Hey.” Lexa whispers back just as tiredly but there’s a hidden layer of caution which would be unknown to everyone else except Clarke. Clarke always took pride in that. But now, she wonders how Lexa thinks she’s changed when Clarke can read her just the same.

When Lexa’s green eyes look at her with so much emotion- emotion yes, but not the one she was used to seeing, she almost stops walking.

She wants to turn away from Lexa saying that she’ll give her the divorce because Clarke can’t bear to see Lexa’s eyes not look at her with love anymore.

But she doesn’t. Instead, she says “You didn’t come home last night.” She makes it through without her voice breaking.

“No. I stayed here.”

“Why?”

“You know why Clarke.” Lexa’s incredulous voice reaches her ears.

“Yeah. I know why. But we never finished talking.”

“I wasn’t aware we still had something to talk.” Lexa turns away from her. “I asked for a divorce. You said no.”

Lexa’s cold words pierce her visibly and she can feel herself slowly shrinking in pain.

“So what now?” Clarke’s voice comes out, strangely enough, strongly.

“I don’t know.” Lexa shakes her head as she reads the scans. She takes the phone and dials the OR.

“Get an OR ready now.” She slams down the receiver harder than she intended because she flinches.

“No one’s assisting you?” At Lexa’s mute shake of her head, she says “I’m free.”

Lexa’s head shoots up and she looks at Clarke for a few seconds before she says “Thank you for the help.”

And Clarke almost smiles at her wife’s formal words. Instead she turns around and says “See you in the OR.”

\---------------

Clarke finishes scrubbing in and waits patiently for Lexa to arrive. But instead Octavia shows up.

“Where’s Lexa?”

“She said she had another patient. She asked me to cover this.” Octavia looks at her for a few seconds and says “Why didn’t you start?”

“I was waiting for Lexa.”

Octavia laughs at that. “Once a resident, always a resident huh, Clarke?”

I smile distractedly at her and say “I told her I was assisting. I was just waiting for her.”

Octavia frowns a bit at Clarke before she asks the scrub nurse for the scalpel.

She didn’t know the heat at the bottom of her stomach was anger or embarrassment.

Halfway through the surgery, Octavia casually asks “Are you okay?”

Clarke looks at Octavia with fake surprise. She’s been trying to hide her anger and frustration at Lexa ever since the surgery began but she’s probably not a good actor as she thought she was.

“3-0 Vicryl please.” Clarke says instead to the nurse and starts suturing.

“Clarke…” Octavia begins.

“I know. I heard you the first time O.” Clarke snaps and she regrets it almost immediately.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbles immediately after and watches as Octavia’s stony face falls away to be replaced immediately with concern.

Clarke looks away immediately, having preferred the former. She wasn’t ready to tell Octavia about the state of her marriage.

She has to figure out first when and where it went wrong. At least from Lexa’s point.

Octavia starts to ask her something but before she can say anything, Clarke stop her with a glare. Clarke knows that she understands because even though the concern from her eyes doesn’t go away, she backs off.

And all Clarke can think about for the rest of the surgery is how Lexa had rudely brushed her away as if she wasn’t even worth enough to tell the words straight to her face.

By the time, they are done with the surgery, the initial heat in her stomach has now fully transformed into white hot anger.

Just as she makes a move to leave the OR, an arm garbs her and she turns around. They’re all alone when Octavia asks “Is everything okay between you and Lexa?”

If Octavia had asked her this before the surgery, Clarke would have probably collapsed into her arms and cried her eyes out.

But now, she wants to go confront Lexa. And ask her why.

So Clarke removes her arm from Octavia’s hand and says “I don’t know” on her way out.

\-------------

Clarke finds Lexa sitting and eating her lunch with Raven in the cafeteria.

Raven and Lexa look like they’re talking something very important- both with frowns on their faces.

Clarke walks towards them and when Lexa sees Clarke, Clarke sees a look of complete resignation on her face.

It should have shocked her. She’s never seen Lexa look so resigned. But all it does is infuriate her.

“Hey Clarke.” Raven says cheerfully but the smile on her face goes away when she looks at Clarke and Lexa.

“Can I talk to you?” Clarke asks Lexa. Lexa gets up with a sigh.

She however manages to give a smile to Raven. “I’ll talk to you later, Raven.”

Lexa walks out of the cafeteria and Clarke follows close behind. Just as she leaves, she runs into Octavia who looks at her leave the cafeteria.

Lexa leads Clarke into an on-call room. Lexa waits patiently as Clarke locks the door and approaches her.

At Clarke’s continued silence, Lexa says “I’m sorry, Clarke. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No. You shouldn’t have.”

“I was afraid you were going to bring it up during surgery.”

“What? What kind of fool do you think me to be? Discussing private matters in front of an OR? I know how the rumour mill works around here.” Clarke snaps and Lexa flinches.

Lexa looks slightly ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

“Since you were so afraid of talking then, maybe you should start now.”

“What do you want me to say Clarke?” Lexa sighs.

“An explanation. A bloody explanation. As to why you want to divorce me.” Lexa winces slightly when Clarke’s volume increases.

“I told you, Clarke. I’ve changed.”

“Please. Please don’t keep dragging this. Just tell me why you don’t love me anymore.” Clarke’s eyes fill with tears. Her heart throbs heavily and her headache starts coming back with full severity.

“Clarke.” Lexa steps close to Clarke and takes her hand in hers. Clarke shivers at her touch. Clarke’s heart longs for her touch while all her brain says is to step away.

“This relationship we had is by far the best thing I ever had. But----”

“Don’t talk as if it’s over. It isn’t.” Clarke snaps viciously and pulls away her hands.

“I’m sorry. What I meant to say was that these past years were the best. I enjoyed every single moment with you but I’m not happy with you anymore.”

Clarke stares and stares at her. Her headache is blinding but strangely enough, she can’t hear her heartbeat. She concentrates hard to hear one, feel one anything but still nothing.

Her skin is numb and when she places her hand over her heart to feel her heartbeat, all she can feel is the numbing sensation all over. Pins and prickles all over, numbing her pain.

What pain?

“You’re not happy?” Clarke’s strangled voice reaches Lexa’s ears and she immediately steps closer to Clarke.

Impossibly closer.

“No, Clarke. I haven’t been happy in a while.”

And all Clarke feels is pins and pricks all over her body.

“Since when?” And when Clarke looks back on this conversation, she’ll wonder how she kept going.

“For a while.” Lexa says vaguely but then she relents and says “6 months.”

And at that Clarke gasps.

“You promised me that we’d be fine. That it didn’t matter.” Clarke shouts. “That can’t be the reason.”

“It is. It is.” Lexa repeats.

“You promised me!” Clarke’s anguished cry was enough to snap Lexa.

“You broke promises too!” Lexa snaps back and Clarke takes a step back involuntarily.

“I wasn’t ready. I told you I needed time.”

“No. I realised that you’re never going to be ready. Not then. Not now. Not ever.”

“You don’t know that.” Clarke snarls.

“I do. I do. I should have known better.” Lexa shouts and she turns away and punches the bed.

“Should have known better than what?”

“Better than marrying you.”

Clarke has heard a lot of regret in Lexa’s voice when Lexa talked to her. But never once in 5 years had, Lexa addressed Clarke as the source of her regret.

“You’re regretting it?”

Different people react in different ways to shock. Some freak out, naturally and start crying. Some others react the exact opposite and start laughing.

Clarke always thought she’d be the former type. She was wrong. She wasn’t the latter either.

Instead an eerie sense of calm settles all over her and she’s able to think clearly for the first time in 2 days.

“You want a divorce from me because you think I’ll never want to have a kid?”

Lexa stares back at her neither nodding nor shaking her head.

“You want a divorce from me because you think you’re not happy with me?”

To this Lexa replies, “I know I’m not happy.” She says harshly but Clarke’s numb enough for these words to bounce right off.

Clarke takes a deep breath trying to control her anger. “Since you’re not happy with me, the first natural conclusion that came to your mind was to ask for a divorce?”

“Did you even think that maybe I have a say in this decision because after all I’m also there in the marriage. That maybe I would understand and give you some better advice?” Clarke continues.

“You didn’t have any problems shutting me down at every turn whenever I talked about kids.” Lexa’s eyes glint dangerously.

At that, all the fight leaves her body in one big whoosh.

“I said I needed time.” Clarke says weakly.

“And I gave you time. For 3 years before asking you again. And you shut me down again.”

“That---”

“I’ve sacrificed my dreams. It’s always you who gets the final call. It’s never me.”

“Not-”

“Yes. It is.” Lexa shouts so loudly that Clarke’s sure that everyone outside would have heard it.

Clarke doesn’t open her mouth after that. Not trusting herself with her secret. What Clarke had been wanting to talk to Lexa yesterday night when Lexa had texted her and told that they needed to talk.

Because right now if Clarke told her wife that she had a picture of a kid in her bag who she wanted to adopt and that she wanted to give that cute cute boy a family, her marriage would be meaningless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think about this chapter.
> 
> Did you see this as the reason for their split/fight?


	3. Put a Little Love On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of the talk. A surprise for Clarke and Lexa.
> 
> And Clarke makes a horrible decision.

“Clarke, you have to let her go.” Raven says from behind but Clarke doesn’t stop.

She keeps pushing and pushing. Keeps going even when she hears the sickening crack.

She can’t. She just can’t.

And Clarke keeps administering CPR for a long time even after there is no way the heart is going to restart.

But one can hope. That maybe there might be the smallest of changes that her stubbornness might pay off.

And she realises with a start that she’s not thinking about her patient anymore. She’s not sure she was ever thinking about her patient.

Lexa.

That’s all she thinks about. Ever thought about.

And of the foolish dream that Clarke had a week ago. She scoffs mentally.

That she was going to have a kid with Lexa. That the nasty fight she had with Lexa over six months ago wouldn’t come back and bite her in the ass.

But Clarke can’t stop. Because if she stops now, there’s no chance at all.

The woman can never come back to life if she stops now. Lexa will never come back to her if she stops now.

Maybe she should keep going. Maybe she can have the live she dreamed and lived for close to 5 years.

But she’s hurting. Her arms are hurting. Her heart is hurting.

The doctor in her knows. That the woman cannot come back. Not after flat lining for more than 5 minutes.

And strangely enough, the brave part of her knows. That things are never going to be the same.

\---------------

“What the hell was that, Clarke?” Raven rounds on her immediately after she leaves the trauma room.

“Leave me alone, Reyes.” Clarke snarls. She just wants to go away for some time.

She really wants to tell someone. Tell someone how it looked like her marriage was almost done.

Clarke and Lexa never got to finish their talk. Just when things were getting extremely heated, her pager had beeped calling her at once to the ER.

She wants to leave everything behind. Just leave and run because if she looked at her life from outside, she wouldn’t recognise this life as hers.

But more than anything, she wants to see Lexa.

But Raven doesn’t let Clarke’s behaviour slide that easily. She catches Clarke’s arm and turns her around forcefully.

“No. What happened in there was not okay.” Raven says furiously.

Clarke sighs helplessly trying to escape Raven’s iron hard grip on her hand.

“Let me go, Raven.” Clarke’s on the verge of tears and she wants to run away as far as possible before her dam broke.

Raven is insistent. “No. I understand that you have something going on personally but if you can’t keep your private life and professional life separate, don’t enter my ER again.”

Clarke’s mouth falls open. But before Clarke can say anything, Raven turns around and walks away.

\--------------

She’s almost there. She just needs to make it to the bathroom and she can lose it all.

She doesn’t make it. Her phone rings.

It’s her dad.

She picks up immediately as if it was an involuntary reaction.

She schools her face into a decent expression as if her dad can see her face through her voice. Which he probably could.

“Hey dad.” Her voice sounds awfully cheery and maybe Clarke thinks she’s successful.

“Clarke!” Jake’s happy voice booms through her ear and to her absolute horror, she starts sobbing. Right in the middle of the hospital.

She doesn’t make it to the bathroom. She manages to enter a storeroom before anyone sees her.

“Clarke? Are you alright?” Jake asks now his voice full of concern.

Clarke sniffs a couple of times before saying “Yes.” with a choked voice.

“It doesn’t sound like that kiddo. What happened?”

And Clarke’s resolve almost slips. “Nothing dad. Just a tough case.” It’s the convoluted truth.

“I’ve never heard you cry over a case, Clarke. What happened?”

“Nothing dad. I got it covered.” She clears her voice and hope she sounds stronger. “What’s up?”

And from Jake’s still concerned tone, she knows that she wasn’t successful. But he lets it go.

“I called to tell you that we’re coming to Boston.” Jake says and Clarke freezes.

“You’re coming here? Why?” Clarke asks as nonchalantly as she can.

“Your mom and I thought we hadn’t seen you guys in a while. We miss you.”

“She doesn’t.” Clarke scoffs.

“Clarke…” Jake’s warning tone stops her.

“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.”

“Clarke, you know about your mother.” Jake says softly and Clarke relents.

“I know. When are you guys arriving here?”

“Tomorrow morning 9.” Jake sounds excited.

Clarke laughs. “Can’t wait to see the snow or your daughter?”

Jake scoffs. “What do you think of me?” And after a pause, he adds “I’m looking forward to the snow though.”

Clarke laughs. And the weight on her heart lightens. A little but it still does.

“I’ll pick you up at the airport?”

“No no. Abby and I will check into a hotel and then come see you.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow then.”

“See you tomorrow kiddo.” And then Jake adds, “Take care of yourself okay?”

Clarke nods silently but then remembers that her dad can’t see her. “Okay, dad.”

She hangs up and sits there for a while in the storeroom against one of the shelves. She needs to see Lexa and tell her about her parent’s latest plan.

_Will Lexa be okay pretending? For a day?_

Clarke thinks as she slowly wipes the remaining tears on her face and makes herself more presentable.

_Lexa was pretending for more than half a year. What’s one more day to her?_

Clarke gasps at the thought and fresh tears make its way to the surface. And then all her remaining composure vanishes as she stays huddled in the storeroom crying softly thinking back to the talk in the on-call room.

\-----------

The door opens and she sees someone step in.

“Dad called you.”

“Yeah. He did.” Lexa slides down and sits next to her.

“He was worried.” Lexa says.

“Yeah. I thought I convinced him. I didn’t.” Clarke says with a laugh.

Lexa doesn’t reciprocate. Instead she keeps looking at Clarke.

“Why did you come? I thought you didn’t care.” Clarke says harshly when she thinks she can no longer take the silence.

“I never said that, Clarke.” Lexa says quietly. “I’ll always care for you.”

“But not enough to want to stay with me.” Clarke says back just as quietly. Lexa looks away but makes no action to move away.

They sit there with their knees touching each other in silence. Clarke breathes in Lexa’s presence. It has been a long time since they spent time together like this.

And Clarke then wonders how she never saw this coming. There were signs all over. They hardly talked. Hardly spent time together other than falling asleep together.

“I never saw this coming.” Lexa admits and Clarke’s heart breaks.

“I need a favour.” Clarke starts off tentatively. And she’s never had such hesitation talking to Lexa before. It had always been _her_ Lexa. She didn’t need to shield herself with her wife. But now she apparently has to.

“I know.” Lexa cuts her off. “And I have no problem.”

The very fact that Lexa knows what she’s talking about stirs up the most dangerous feeling to have ever.

Hope.

Hope that one day Lexa will love her again. Hope that everything will be alright between the two of them.

But all the feelings and startling revelations from the past 2 days stops her.

So she asks “No problem with what?”

Lexa looks at her with a frown. “With pretending for the duration of your parents stay that we’re okay.”

Clarke feels confused by the emotions she seems to be having. Hope and heartbreak at the same time? Was that even possible?

Hope that Lexa still knows her well enough to agree to her request before she’s even made it. Heartbreak that Lexa talks so easily about wanting to pretend.

_Does it matter so little to her?_

And for the second time, Lexa reads her.

“Clarke, this is not easy for me. You should know that.”

And Clarke knows that. But right now, she doesn’t.

“Lexa, what makes you so sure that there’s no more hope for us? So sure that you wanted nothing more than leaving me. To find happiness” Clarke adds bitterly.

“Don’t you think that I tried? That I tried to convince myself that I was happy with you.”

“This all can’t be just because I didn’t want to have kids.” Clarke worries immediately that she let slip the truth.

But Lexa doesn’t notice the use of past tense.

“It’s not, Clarke. I really meant that promise Clarke. When you shot down my dreams for the second time, I meant that promise. And I did not want to break it.”

“But you did.” Clarke’s heart aches for both herself and for Lexa’s.

Clarke made the decision not to tell Lexa her decision to adopt a child. Because if anything, she wanted Lexa to stay and work out things with her, it should be because of her. Not in promise of a child they planned to have.

“I did. But I really wish I didn’t.”

“Does it not bother you, Lexa?”

“Clarke, you’ll be ready when you’ll be ready.” Lexa says firmly. “I’m asking something from you that’s not so easy to give. I know that.”

That just makes fall in love with Lexa even more. Even when she knows there’s no way forward except more and more heartbreak.

“I love you.” It slips out before Clarke can control herself. Fresh tears make their way down her cheeks.

Lexa looks at her for a moment with a soft expression before she moves closer and puts an arm around Clarke pulling her closer.

Clarke knows that she shouldn’t go along with this but she’s Lexa-deficient. Clarke loves Lexa and no matter how much she hates Lexa for not loving her anymore, she loves Lexa.

And Clarke just melts into Lexa’s body as they both sit there in the silence quietly thinking back to how they were in this situation.

\--------------

Clarke comes out of surgery and gets immediately ambushed by Octavia and Raven.

Looking at their determined faces, Clarke sighs.

“Come on. Let’s go to my room.” She motions Raven and Octavia to follow and without a word, they follow her.

She collapses into the chair and groans as Raven closes the door with a thud.

“What?” She groans when they both are still silent.

“Did she just ask what?” Raven asks a concerned Octavia incredulously. “You know what.”

“Raven. You made it clear. My personal matter. None of your business.” Clarke says and a there’s a flash of hurt on Raven’s face.

“Don’t throw my words back at me.” Raven snarls. She starts to say more but she’s stopped by Octavia’s hand on hers.

“Clarke, what’s happening? Is everything okay with you and Lexa?” Octavia asks.

“What? Lexa?” Clarke tries to laugh it off and she’s pretty sure she’s successful.

“Cut the shit.” Raven growls.

Clarke looks at them in mild amusement wondering how the hell were their roles swapped. Octavia usually the more hot headed one, sports a calm exterior while Raven who approaches people with a little less harshness than Octavia is now fuming.

“You look like a kicked puppy whenever you and Lexa fight. And your puppy’s been kicked hard. So like Raven so eloquently said, cut the shit.”

“Look guys, thanks for your concern. But I’m fine. We’re fine.” Clarke repeats stubbornly again.

She doesn’t want to tell them. Because if she tells them, she’ll lose it. For the nth time in 2 days.

Because if she tells them, she doesn’t think she can be strong anymore.

“I’m a little bit worried. My parents are coming tomorrow.” She admits the partial truth. She’s afraid her father will sniff out the entire truth within a matter of seconds after laying eyes on her.

Raven looks surprised at that. “You lost your shit today because you were worried about Abby?”

There was nothing hidden between the three of them. They knew each other’s history and their problems. That’s why Clarke felt so guilty.

“That’s an overreaction. Even for you.” Octavia says with narrow eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Even for you?” Clarke cries out indignantly.

“I don’t know how to tell this to you Clarke but you overreact.” Raven says slowly.

“A lot.” Octavia adds unnecessarily.

Clarke glares at both of them. “I told you it was nothing.” She repeats again with a casual face.

Octavia doesn’t believe her. Raven, however, says “Well then Clarke, you really got to unbunch your panties.”

Octavia snorts in agreement as Clarke looks around for the nearest thing available to throw at Raven.

Raven continues with a grin. “So, you’re coming tonight. Drinks. I think you’re going to need it to prepare for Abby.”

“Fair enough. Meet you in the lobby after shift?” Clarke relents.

“See you then.” Raven waves and leaves the room.

Octavia stays there for a while looking at Clarke weirdly. At Clarke’s innocent shrug, Octavia shakes her head and leaves as well.

And Clarke wonders whether it’s such a good idea for her to drink when she’s being extra careful about not revealing the truth about her marriage to anyone. But agreeing to Raven’s plan meant both her friends would stop asking questions.

With a sigh, she gets up and leaves the room to go and check on the patient who would now be in post-op.

She was right. She never should have gone drinking.

\------------

Drunk Clarke is fun but dumb. They didn’t call her party girl Griffin for no reason.

But as drunk Clarke makes her way up the stairs of her apartment and stumbles more times than she can count, she’s sad. She’s getting old.

It’s like the drinks she had with Raven didn’t help her at all. It didn’t numb her like it usually does. Instead it’s like all her emotions are out in the open.

Like someone rubbed salt on her open wounds.

And she giggles like an absolute idiot in the hallway when she’s unable to find the keys from her bag.

She tries to knock on her apartment door waiting for Lexa to come open. There’s a thud and suddenly she’s able to see the ceiling.

Her ears buzz annoyingly and she shakes her head to stop hearing it.

Oh wait. Lexa isn’t there. Won’t be there. Not anymore. Because she doesn’t love Clarke anymore.

She’s going to fall in love with someone else. She’s going to marry her and then have kids with her.

There’s a sound of door opening and someone standing above her.

Everything is blurred and Clarke doesn’t know why.

There’s a flash of brown hair as someone kneels next to her and touches her.

The touch sends a searing pain through her body but she reflexively leans into the touch. Because drunk Clarke can remember the touch. But can’t see.

Why can’t she see? Clarke rubs her eyes and sees that her hands are wet. When did she start crying?

Her cheeks are wet. Someone pulls her up. She’s leaning heavily into the person and they lead her into an apartment.

With a start Clarke realises, it’s familiar. It’s her apartment.

It’s Lexa.

She’s leaning heavily on Lexa. Lexa is half-carrying, half-dragging her.

Clarke looks closely at Lexa and she sees that Lexa’s mouth is moving. Her lips.

Clarke suddenly launches herself at Lexa’s lips and kisses her deeply. It’s a couple of seconds long before Lexa breaks the kiss and steps back looking at her with an astonished expression.

“I missed you.” Clarke slurs and she moves forward to kiss Lexa again.

Lexa lets Clarke kiss her a while longer this time before pulling back.

“I had the worst dream. I dreamt that you asked me for a divorce.” Clarke laughs. “How preposterous. You would never ask me for a divorce. You love me.”

And Clarke smiles at Lexa. Lexa’s face flips through a series of emotions before landing on sorrow.

“What did you have to drink Clarke?” Lexa asks with a serious expression and Clarke pouts.

“Tequila. Lots and lots of tequila.”

Lexa’s clear laughter reaches her ears and she looks back at her with a smile. Lexa’s face sports a soft smile full of adoration but her eyes are still sad.

Clarke can’t understand why.

“Come on. Let’s get you to bed, Griffin.” Lexa comes closer to support Clarke.

Clarke slips an arm around Lexa and Lexa takes her to the bedroom.

Clarke falls on the bed gracelessly and another laugh escapes Lexa.

“Party girl Griffin would be so disappointed with you.”

Clarke groans as her head aches.

Lexa disappears for a few seconds. She comes back with a glass of water. And forces Clarke to drink all of it.

“Give me a kiss.” Clarke pouts miserably as Lexa laughs again.

Lexa kisses her slowly. Their lips move in sync and when they pull away, Clarke closes her eyes for a long time savouring and remembering the feeling as if it’s the last time ever.

She doesn’t understand why she does that but something asks her to do it. Something strong. And she obeys the feeling.

“Here. Now drink.” 

Clarke gulps down the water as promised. She hands back the glass to Lexa and she falls back down on the bed.

She’s almost asleep, pleasant dreams waiting for her on the other side when she feels someone touch her legs.

She opens her eyes blearily to see Lexa is removing her shoes.

“Lexa…” She murmurs and Lexa immediately comes closer to her.

“Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.” Clarke says with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t know why she says that but it’s that feeling again.

“Okay.” Lexa’s choked voice reaches her but she’s far away already to ask why she sounds like that.

She feels Lexa settle down next to her. And then she remembers. But for some reason she can’t open her eyes.

So instead she manages to murmur “Text Raven. She asked me to. Once I reach home.”

Lexa pats her pants. “Where’s your phone, Clarke?”

“Bag.” Clarke says with her eyes still closed. Something deep in her says that Lexa shouldn’t look in her bag.

‘Okay.” Lexa says.

And with that Clarke falls into a dreamless sleep to escape the growing headache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?
> 
> Do you think Lexa will find out Clarke's secret?
> 
> Let me know.


	4. Night Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after Lexa finds out Clarke's secret? More confrontation.
> 
> 'Just how fast the night changes'

She hears an annoying beeping sound. Clarke groans and covers her ears with her pillow and curls up on herself taking solace in the warmth and peace she was enjoying till the annoying sound started.

That’s when she starts feeling- her dry mouth, her aching head and more irritatingly her bursting bladder.

Clarke throws an arm haphazardly in the direction of the sound. The beeping sound stops but before she can be happy about it, her head starts to ache with ferociousness.

Clarke tries to open her very dry eyes with extreme difficultly as she tries to look at the time. It’s 7.

As she props herself slightly, she catches her reflection from the mirror opposite her bed. Dishevelled hair, pale face and bloodshot eyes could only mean one thing for Clarke.

Tequila.

And her entire head throbs painfully at the very thought of the drink. On days like these, she wishes she could quit drinking.

As if that wasn’t enough, Clarke doesn’t remember a thing since she left the hospital the previous evening.

Despite the pain in her body and head, Clarke feels a slight warmth when she notices the Advil and a glass of water on her bedside table.

Lexa. And just like that, her heart starts to throb painfully.

Clearly Lexa had made sure that she had got into bed, had covered her body with blankets before going to sleep on the couch. Lexa’s side of the bed was neat and looked as if it hadn’t been slept in.

It hurt. To see Lexa pull away gradually. It should have hurt less- when Lexa pulled away unbeknownst to her. But it doesn’t. Instead it pains her all the more that she never saw it coming.

The signs were all there but Clarke didn’t notice them.

With a groan she drags herself out of bed and she stumbles her way into the bathroom.

The splash of cold water on her body gives her the much needed clarity as she realises with a start that her parents are coming home today.

And what a day she found herself with a really bad hangover. But Raven was right. She needed the alcohol to deal with her mom.

She makes it a point to brush her teeth twice to remove the sour taste of alcohol from her mouth.

And only when she finds her appearance deemed fit for her mom, she steps out of the bathroom.

\------------

As Clarke enters the kitchen, she can’t help but remind herself what happened the last time she was here.

And by the look of Lexa’s stiff back, something is bothering her as well. Probably the same thing bothering her.

Lexa must have been so deep in thought that when she says a slightly hoarse “Hey.”, she jumps violently almost spilling her coffee all over herself.

The first warning signal that something was up should have been how Lexa doesn’t offer her a greeting in reply.

Lexa sits there frozen as Clarke moves hesitantly in the kitchen, trying to make herself a cup of coffee.

“Thanks for the Advil.” Clarke says when the silence becomes unbearable as if it’s eating her inside out.

Lexa nods her head jerkily still not maintaining eye contact. And that should have been her second warning signal.

But Clarke shrugs off this behaviour as the new normal. When the silence becomes too much, she says the first thing that pops into her head.

“I also seem to have a golf ball sized bump on the back of my head.”

Lexa’s body slightly relaxes but she still doesn’t look at Clarke. Her mouth seems to twitch with a smile as if she remembered something from yesterday night.

“What happened?” Clarke asks when Lexa is still silent.

“You fell down trying to knock on the door.” And that should have been warning signal number three.

“Oh.” is Clarke can offer in return as she tries to rack her mind for memories.

She walks slowly and sits opposite to Lexa. She watches Lexa closely as she takes a sip of her coffee. Lexa still hasn’t looked at her.

Clarke’s stomach churns uncomfortably as she swallows her coffee. She knows it has nothing to do with the coffee.

_What the hell did I tell her yesterday?_

“I’m sorry if I said something yesterday.” Clarke starts off tentatively.

After a very long minute, Lexa looks up and meets Clarke’s eyes.

And what Clarke sees, almost makes her jump back. But she doesn’t.

Lexa’s eyes are filled with anger. She’s seen Lexa angry before. Especially when they fought. But the mix of anger, guilt and longing seem to tear into Clarke.

But she doesn’t say anything. She remains silent when she’s sure her heart is beating loud and fast enough for Lexa to hear it.

She can’t take it anymore.

“What?” She hates that her voice comes out like that. Like she’s scared. Because she is. She doesn’t want to know but at the same time, she wants to.

Rationally she knows that talking about their problems might help. That things couldn’t get worse than they already have.

Lexa’s sarcastic laugh pierces Clarke’s heart. And the slightly subdued headache, thanks to the bath, returns.

“You saying something? Oh no no no, never actually. You never say anything. And that’s the fucking problem.” Lexa slams her hand on the table and Clarke jumps back violently.

Lexa stands up quickly and pushes on her chair. It falls back with a thud and Clarke rises out of her chair.

“Lexa….” Clarke starts. Her forehead is drawn in a frown. And for the life of her she can’t understand what the hell she could have said yesterday to have angered Lexa so much.

“Why is there a picture of a boy in your bag?” Lexa asks her harshly.

All Clarke can do is gasp and step back. And take another step back. Because it wasn’t real. A nightmare.

And her natural first reaction was “You went through my things?” But it was the wrong thing to say.

Because the one thing she didn’t want Lexa to know, Lexa knew now.

“No.” Lexa snaps. “I did not. You told me to text Raven yesterday. That you’d reached home safely.”

Lexa stops and takes a deep breath. As if she was trying to control herself. As if she wasn’t already shouting at the top of her voice.

“When?” Lexa’s quiet voice takes Clarke by surprise. She meets Lexa’s eyes and what she sees there comes as a punch to the gut.

If Clarke didn’t know Lexa any better, she’d think that Lexa was furious. So angry that she has tears in her eyes. But she knows Lexa.

It’s a mixture of disappointment and grief that almost makes it hard for her to breathe.

“2 weeks ago.” Clarke manages to say.

Clarke looks at Lexa carefully as she processes this. She’s silent for a few minutes.

“Why?” Lexa makes a choking sound. And all Clarke wants to do is take Lexa in her arms.

Clarke hugs herself tightly as if it would stop the breathless sensation. As if a little pressure would help.

Clarke realises she’s crying. Her cheeks are wet as she shakes her mutely.

“Why?” Lexa sounds firmer this time but Clarke still can’t bring herself to answer.

This only pisses off Lexa even more. “Damn it Clarke. Why?” She shouts.

And something snaps in Clarke.

“Because you asked me for a divorce.” She shouts and Lexa is taken aback. The anger disappears and is replaced by surprise.

“Don’t you think I wanted to tell you? I wanted to. Why do you think I have a picture?”

“Why didn’t you?” Lexa’s frowning so heavily that she no longer had 2 brows- just one long one.

And if it was any other situation, Clarke would have found it adorable.

“Because….” Clarke starts furiously but trails off after the first word. She feels stumped.

“Because?” Lexa prompts her.

“Because I wanted you to know that I want this too. That it wasn’t because of what happened that day.” She manages to say.

And almost immediately, all the fight visibly leaves Lexa’s body. Her shoulder slumps and she lifts the fallen chair from the ground before sitting on it with a sigh.

Clarke just stands there completely silent. And her headache is unbearable. It’s a surprise how she manages not to show the pain that each throb of her headache causes.

“It was the thing I wanted the most.” Lexa says quietly. So quietly that Clarke’s sure she would have missed it if not for the pin-drop silence.

Something pokes her heart. And Clarke feels something hot spread over her chest.

But it wasn’t pleasant. More like unbearably painful.

“Most?” Clarke doesn’t know how she manages to say something.

Lexa’s tired green eyes find her blue ones.

“That’s not what I meant.” Lexa says but her voice has no fight.

“What did you mean then? That I’m not what you want?”

Clarke’s sure she’s experienced heartbreaks before. In high school once and then once during her junior year.

But it’s nothing compared to what she feels right now.

“Clarke, it’s the one thing I wanted most with you.” Lexa says but all she feels is even more pain.

Wanted. Wanted. The word echoes around in her head.

And at this time, Clarke can’t seem to find a good enough reason to fight. She thinks foolishly for a minute that she can make her pain stop.

“Okay.”

Lexa frowns at that like she doesn’t understand what Clarke is saying.

“Okay.” Clarke repeats it again because she’s afraid if she says something else, her pain is just going to increase.

Lexa stands up slowly, concern etched over her face. She approaches Clarke slowly.

And when she sees Lexa coming close to her, Clarke steps back.

Lexa stops short in surprise when she sees Clarke move away from her.

All Clarke wants is not to feel like this. Like something’s slowly tearing her apart inside out.

She turns and quickly leaves the kitchen only to be stopped by someone’s hand in her arm.

“Clarke…” She almost collapses when she hears her name from Lexa’s mouth.

“What?”

“Where are you going?”

“Hospital.” Clarke removes her arm from Lexa’s grasp and makes her way towards the bedroom.

Lexa follows Clarke into their room looking completely stumped.

“What?”

Clarke’s hands shake but somehow manages to get herself into a pair of pants.

“I’m going to the hospital.” Clarke repeats firmly as she shrugs on a jacket.

“What? You can’t go to the hospital now. We’re talking.” Lexa sounds incredulous. As if the sane thing would have been to sit and talk.

But no. Clarke just wants to escape. Escape something and someone who she thought was her home.

“Oh so now you want to talk?” Clarke turns around and says furiously.

Lexa doesn’t back down. “Don’t be ridiculous. All we’ve been doing the last couple of days is talk.”

“Yeah, well. Don’t have to worry. No more talking.” People say stupid things when they are hurt and angry. For Clarke, it was one of her moments.

Lexa doesn’t let her through. She’s blocking her way.

“Lexa, let me go.” Clarke says through clenched teeth. She needs to get away because she’s sure that if she stays here for a little while longer, she can’t tolerate the pain.

“No.” Lexa’s firmness pisses her off. And out of nowhere, she starts crying. Again.

“Please, Lexa. Just….” Clarke manages to say through sobs. “Please.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything or even attempt to comfort Clarke. She looks equally lost but she wears a determined look that Clarke hadn’t seen on her wife’s face for some time now.

And she knows why.

“Lexa, you didn’t want to talk yesterday.” Clarke starts once her sobs are under control. “You didn’t. So----”

“You don’t want to talk today?”

Clarke huffs in annoyance. “I don’t want to talk now. Please just let me go.”

Lexa steps aside with a sigh. “Clarke, we have to talk. You know that.”

Lexa follows Clarke into the living room.

Clarke is still experiencing the breathless feeling as she moves around her living room, getting ready to leave for the hospital.

She just wants everyone to slow down. Because if everything was moving at this speed, she’s sure that she wouldn’t be able to keep up.

She’s almost near the door but stops when she hears Lexa.

“Stop running away. _Again._ ” Clarke turns around looking as if she had been slapped.

“We have to talk at some point.”

“Like how you wanted to talk about getting a divorce?” Clarke asks her sarcastically.

“We talked about it.” Lexa says back.

“No, we didn’t. That’s not talking about it. That was you just informing me you wanted one.”

“What about when we talked yesterday? In the hospital?”

“After I pushed you to talk.”

“Will you stop pretending that I’m the bad guy here? Because I’m not.”

“Are you sure you don’t think I’m the person to be blamed here?” Clarke manages to say through the pain in her chest.

Lexa loses it. “You had more than enough time to tell me about this. And you didn’t.”

“I told you. I didn’t want you to think that I was doing this for you. That I was doing it to save our marriage.”

“You could have just told me.”

“I wanted to. When you said you wanted the divorce. I was going to tell you then.” Clarke wonders when they started to shout.

Lexa goes silent after that. And then a few very silent minutes later, she says “What did you mean?”

“What?”

“In the kitchen. Before you walked out. You said okay.”

Clarke’s heart must have fallen down into her stomach because her stomach is throbbing. Like her heart was.

“Clarke…” Lexa starts when Clarke doesn’t reply.

Never in her wildest dreams, did she think she’d ever say these words. Even when Lexa was asking for a divorce.

“I’ll give you the divorce.”

\-------------

“What?”

“Yes.”

At Lexa’s continued silence, Clarke tries to open the door.

“You said you won’t give me the divorce.” Lexa’s face is a mask but her eyes betray her mask. A series of emotions and feelings so fast, Clarke can’t catch them.

“Yes.” Clarke states. She’s not sure she can manage more than monosyllabic words because all the breath in her lungs have vanished.

“What?” Lexa says again.

When Clarke doesn’t reply, Lexa says “Why?”

Clarke laughs incredulously. “Did you just ask me why?”

Lexa doesn’t reply but wears a dumbfounded expression.

“Because you said you don’t love me anymore.” Tears disturb her vision and she tries to blink it out. But as fast as she blinks, more tears replace them.

“But---”

“What you said couldn’t have possibly changed within less than a day. Are you magically in love with me again?”

Clarke snaps and Lexa jumps back with guilt clouding her eyes.

Clarke turns around swiftly and opens the door without waiting for Lexa’s reply.

And her gaze falls upon the 2 frozen people standing at her door. Her parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. Got caught up with a lot of work.
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading :)


	5. Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Clarke's backstory. She receives advice from someone and a very very rude shock at the end.

From the look on her parents’ faces, she knows that they heard everything. And the last thing she didn’t want to happen, happened.

Clarke turns around and looks at Lexa, who is also standing there in shock.

And without pretending or even trying to hide her tears, she walks past them and leaves the apartment.

She doesn’t know where she’s going. The hospital was in the opposite direction and she didn’t have her car keys.

She hears someone call her name but she doesn’t stop. She walks as fast as possible without slipping on the snow.

She doesn’t notice her surroundings, reliving the past 2 days of her life over and over.

One thing she never saw coming: Lexa telling her that she doesn’t love her anymore. That she wants a divorce.

Second thing: When she knew Lexa was leaving her for their difference of opinions about having kids, Clarke wanted nothing more than to convince Lexa to stay for her-stay for them.

Third thing: She didn’t want anyone to know. She just didn’t want to tell anyone.

Her parents knew.

And Lexa wanted to talk.

She doesn’t realise what she’s doing until she’s hammering hard on a familiar door. She looks around in a daze and then figures out where she is.

Raven’s place.

Then she realises that it was a working day. Raven would have left for the hospital. She and Lexa had called in holiday so that they could be with Clarke’s parents.

How well it had worked out for her.

So she’s almost leaving Raven’s apartment when the door slams open. Clarke jumps back in surprise not expecting anyone to open.

Her jaw drops when she sees Luna.

\-------------

“Luna, what are you doing here?”

Clarke was confused. Luna was standing at the door in a loose T-shirt and sleep shorts with heavily tousled hair.

Luna blushes for a second before she frowns.

“Clarke, are you all right?”

Clarke hastily schools her features into a better expression but she knows she fails at it especially when her cheeks are glistening with tears and her eyes are swollen.

Luna’s frown still doesn’t go away so she tries changing the subject.

“So, you and Rae, you’re back together?”

Luna nods slightly before stepping aside to let Clarke in. “Come in.”

Clarke hesitates. “I don’t know if I should. I have to go.”

Clarke starts to step back before Luna catches her arm. “You don’t look all that well, Clarke. Come in please.”

She relents and steps in. Luna closes the door behind her and without a word goes into the kitchen and returns with a glass full of water.

“Here.” Luna hands the glass to Clarke and she dutifully takes a sip.

She was wrong. Getting away from Lexa didn’t help alleviate her pain one bit. Instead her heart starts to long for her.

Clarke can’t help but feel ashamed the way her heart is behaving. One minute it wants to go away from Lexa and then the very next moment, it yearns for Lexa.

“I thought you were away for a conference.” Clarke comments trying not to get lost in her thoughts.

Luna shrugs. “Returned yesterday night.”

“So, you and Raven huh? How long has this been going on for?” Clarke says with a smile.

She doesn’t fool Luna but she does humour her for a little longer.

“A couple of months or so.” Luna says with a shrug but her shrewd eyes don’t leave Clarke.

Clarke fidgets under the intense stare that Luna was giving her.

“Look, I have to go. My parents are here. They---” Clarke says getting ready to leave.

“Abby and Jake are here?” Luna asks in surprise and Clarke nods mutely.

Luna was of course on a first name basis with her parents having dated Raven on and off over the years. At one point (and even now), it was hard for Clarke to keep track of whether they were together or not.

“Raven didn’t tell me.” Luna says.

“Yeah, they didn’t tell us in advance. Dad called me yesterday. Raven knew only after I told her.” Clarke replies.

Luna merely nods lost in thought.

Clarke tries to take an advantage of Luna’s momentary silence and tries to leave. But Luna doesn’t let her.

“That’s why you were looking for Raven?” Luna asks with an understanding look in her eyes.

It was common knowledge within their circle that Clarke didn’t get on well with her mother.

“Yes.” It wasn’t a lie. There was a little bit of truth in it.

Her parents had heard everything and Clarke had just wanted to get away. She didn’t know why she chose to go to Raven’s place.

“Where’s Lexa?” Luna asks and Clarke freezes. As if she wanted to make it obvious for Luna to know all about the mess that was her marriage.

Her heart aches sharply when she hears her wife’s name, in contrast to the constant pain she’s in.

“She’s at home.” She says stiffly.

“Is everything all right?” Luna asks stepping closer to Clarke.

Luna and Clarke weren’t all that close. Luna was a much closer friend to Lexa. In fact they were very close.

And because of that, Clarke found it very tough to believe that Luna didn’t know about Lexa’s plans.

“You don’t know?” Clarke asks and Luna looks even more surprised.

Clarke lets out a laugh, surprising even herself. Lexa didn’t tell anyone. Why didn’t she?

“She wants a divorce.”

And Clarke thinks that she should be a little bit happy when Luna’s mouth drops open because like everyone, she never saw it coming.

Instead all that hits her is more pain and she finally, finally lets herself crumble.

\-------------

Luna pulls Clarke into a hug as she sobs her heart out. It doesn’t bother her that she’s spoiling Luna’s T-shirt.

And Luna doesn’t mind either because she holds Clarke even harder.

“When did she say this?”

Clarke somehow manages to answer. “Day before yesterday.”

She pulls away slowly trying to control her tears.

“Where is she?”

Before she can reply, a knock at the door stops her.

Luna opens the door and shrieks out “Abby?”

Too numb to feel anything, Clarke walks to the door and sees her mother standing.

“Luna, can I please come in?”

Luna hastily opens the door and steps aside. Even the greatest of surgeons seem to become meek around her mother and Clarke hates it.

She was very proud of her mother- the great neurosurgeon when she was a kid. But all that changed as she grew up. Her mother’s name followed her wherever she went and she hated it.

Clarke wishes the only problem that she had with her mom would be their famous last names.

“Mom.” Clarke says slightly coldly.

“Clarke, can we please talk?” Abby’s rather soft voice takes her by surprise. Clarke can count the number of times when her mother had used that voice with her.

“I’m going to go.” Luna says awkwardly.

“No! This is your house. I’m sorry. I should go.” Clarke tries to leave but she’s stopped by Luna.

“Nonsense. Please stay. I have to go anyways. Need to talk with someone.” It’s no secret who she’s talking about.

She walks into her room to change into street clothes.

“So, they’re back together again?” Abby asks.

Clarke shrugs in response. “I suppose so.”

“It’s getting hard to keep track of them.”

Clarke cracks a small smile at that. Abby’s face floods with relief when she sees that.

Luna steps out of the room and looks at Clarke. “At your apartment?”

Clarke nods.

Abby says “Jake’s with her.” Clarke doesn’t want to know how her mother knew that Luna was asking about Lexa.

Luna nods and leaves the apartment.

“I thought Dad came after me.” Clarke says with a sigh before she collapses on the couch.

Abby shrugs and sits next to her.

They sit in silence for a while till Clarke breaks it.

“Come on. Bring it on. I’m waiting for your advice.” Clarke says bitterly.

Abby just sighs and remains silent for a while longer.

“Your dad and I almost got divorced once.” Abby says and Clarke looks up in surprise.

“Bullshit!”

Abby shakes her head. “We did.”

“When?”

“When you were 9.” Abby replies quietly.

Clarke is stunned into silence because even though her mom was a lot of things, she wasn’t a liar. And all her life she’d grown up believing that the kind of love her mom and dad shared was a fairy tale and she was happy she had found hers with Lexa.

It takes her a few minutes to digest this news and she looks at her mom who was obviously lost in some bad memories.

“What happened?”

“It started off as small fights and then all we did was fight.”

“I don’t remember that.” Clarke tries to rack her brains to remember anything close to what her mom had described but she came up empty.

“You were a kid, Clarke.” Abby says with a softness that Clarke wasn’t accustomed to. All she ever received from Abby was advices, scoffs and doubts.

“I heard you and Lexa.” Abby says and Clarke immediately stiffens.

“I gathered.” Clarke remarks drily.

“How long have you and Lexa been having problems?” Abby asks and Clarke immediately gets up from the couch.

“Clarke…” Abby starts but she’s harshly interrupted by Clarke.

“Why do you care?”

Abby’s face is full of shock at Clarke’s outburst. She starts to talk, overcoming her surprise when Clarke cuts across again.

“Don’t say anything about you being my mother.” Clarke walks across the living room agitatedly.

Abby also gets up from the couch trying to pacify Clarke.

“Clarke, when I almost lost your dad, I took out my anger on other people. I---”

Clarke stops moving and stares at Abby with wide eyes. She was wrong to think that something had changed.

“Stop. Stop. Just stop.” Clarke wants to pull her hair out. Abby obeys her immediately with concern clearly showing on her face.

Clarke just wanted to leave. As if the tightness in her chest wasn’t enough, a headache which Clarke usually associated with her mom was starting.

So, without another word Clarke just grabs her jacket and bag from the couch and makes her way to the door.

Abby stops her by the elbow. “We’re talking, Clarke.”

“I don’t want to.” Clarke removes Abby’s hold on her but stays right there.

If she wasn’t careful, she’s going to say things that she’s managed to lock down for 15 years. And Abby’s persistence wasn’t helping her.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Clarke.” Abby says and even after all these years, Clarke shrinks. The effect that Abby seemed to have on Clarke hasn’t gone away and Clarke hated herself for it.

“Clarke, I’m trying to help you. If you stop behaving like a teenager for a minute, you’d understand.”

First, she woke up with a roaring hangover. Second, she finds out that Lexa knows about her plans to adopt. Third, she just agreed to the divorce. The very last thing she needed right now was a confrontation with her mother.

And understandably Clarke loses it.

“What would you know about me being a teenager?” Clarke roars and Abby takes a step back in utter shock.

“You were never around. You were never around except to criticize and advise me. I never had a mother. All I had was a father who had to take on both roles. And guess what?” Clarke laughs sarcastically. “He failed at it. He was an amazing dad but he couldn’t be a mom too.”

“Clarke----”

“Why the fuck do you care now?” Clarke sees red. “Why the fuck do you care now when you threatened to cut all ties when you found out I was dating Lexa?”

Clarke never thought the day would come when she swears at her mother. And Abby was standing there with her mouth open.

Clarke feels absolutely shitty. The one thing she thought would be her constant was all but gone.

“That was----”

“Yeah. I remember why. You thought I was selling myself for surgeries.” Clarke snaps and Abby jumps.

“That’s not----”

“So, why do you care now?”

“Clarke, I’m your mother. I----”

“My mother? I never had a mother. I just really had a moody surgeon who lived with my father.”

Abby flinches as if she had been slapped. Clarke thinks that this should make her feel better. She was finally opening the box full of emotions and things she wanted to say to her mother.

But she doesn’t.

“And despite all that, despite all that you were my role model. I thought maybe you would pay attention to me if I did something to make you proud.”

This is the first time she’s ever seen her mother cry. Not even when she graduated college and med school.

All she got then was a smile and a pat on the back. And it made her feel like shit. Like she still wasn’t enough.

“I heard you. That day.” Clarke says slumping on the couch, feeling entirely drained.

Abby’s cheeks still glisten with tears and she hasn’t made a move to wipe them away.

Abby frowns momentarily when she hears Clarke. Something that Clarke swore she’d never talk about.

She’d only ever told Lexa and the very thought makes her chest tighten considerably.

“You were talking to Dad. During high school.” Clarke’s entire body screams defeat and Abby’s widen as if she knew what Clarke had overheard.

“How could you say that, mom?” Clarke’s voice breaks and tears cloud her vision.

This was the last thing she needed today yet here she was, finally having the conversation that had been troubling her for 16 years.

Abby’s entire face crumples and she cries.

“I’m sorry----”

“Don’t say that you didn’t mean it. Because you sounded pretty sure. And you had 16 years to think about it.”

Abby stands there looking completely stricken but she doesn’t tell anything else.

Clarke just leans back and looks at the ceiling with a sigh. Tears escape her eyes involuntarily and she wipes them away hastily.

And not for the first time that day, she thinks how her life could have turned like this in a matter of days.

“Clarke----” Abby starts but she is interrupted by Clarke’s shrill ringtone.

Clarke picks up her phone and sees that Raven is calling her. She cuts the call and laughs humourlessly.

“News does travel fast.” She looks at Abby and sees that her mom is looking at her with sad eyes.

Her stomach sinks when she realises that almost everyone will know about the state of her marriage. There goes the other thing she had wanted.

Her phone rings and its Raven again. She cuts the call. Again.

“Clarke, you should know that----” Clarke’s phone rings again.

She just switches off the phone this time without seeing who was calling her.

“I have never regretted anything more.” Abby says. Watching Clarke’s face literally collapse, she hastens to correct herself. “I meant what I said Clarke. I should have never said that. Because you are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are not a mistake and you never will be.”

Clarke just scoffs disbelievingly. 16 years of knowing that her mom regretted her wasn’t going to change in a day.

“I never knew that you had heard me. If----”

“So, that’s what this is about? You’re saying this because you didn’t want me to hear?” Something starts to slowly sink within her but she doesn’t know what.

“Clarke, no.” Abby says so forcefully, that she’s taken by surprise. “This is what I meant before. Stop behaving like a stubborn teen and listen to me.”

And just like that, Clarke nods. The effect her mom had on her wasn’t going away anytime soon.

“If I had known, you had heard me, I would have told you this way before. I could never regret you. You were not a mistake. And you will never be.” She repeats the exact same words again.

“I was irritated and pissed. But I know that’s no excuse to have ever said that. I know it’s not something I can take back easily. And I won’t. But please trust me when I say that I was wrong. I was mistaken. And I didn’t mean what I said. I never will.”

Before Clarke can say anything, she continues. “You have to trust me when I say this, Clarke. I’m sorry.”

Clarke nods slowly totally unsure of what to feel.

Abby slowly approaches her and sits next to her. “Why didn’t you confront me before?”

Clarke looks at Abby disbelievingly. “Because mom, you acted like that. You were never home when I was home. And whenever I tried talking to you about something, anything at all, I was shut down by you at every turn. And then one day, I find out that you regretted me. After all the fights that we’ve had over the years on almost everything, you expect to confront you on what you said?”

Abby pushes herself forward on the couch and brings Clarke into a hug.

Clarke stiffens immediately when Abby hugs her and softly sobs into her shoulder murmuring multiple sorries.

She gradually melts into the hug, never before having hugged her mother. She was feeling something weird, something she couldn’t place.

“Are you saying this because of what you heard today?” Clarke asks unsure of herself. All she did was spend 20 minutes with her mom and she felt like an insecure teenager.

Abby pulls back slowly from Clarke without saying anything, her eyes shining with tears.

Clarke shivers when her mother tucks a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. She looks at her mom in amazement when Abby cracks a gentle smile.

“No, honey. I just never knew you felt this way about me.” Abby says and Clarke immediately stiffens.

Abby frowns wondering if she had said the wrong thing.

“What did all those fights mean to you then? Friendly banter?”

Abby sighs heavily. “No, Clarke. I never knew you felt this way about me.”

“How did you think I felt about you? That we were okay?” Clarke asks incredulously.

“Clarke, I was a bad mother for 32 years. Please give me the chance to be a proper one. Especially, when you need me.”

Clarke gets up from the couch and Abby stares at her longingly. It’s going to sound trite, but Clarke doesn’t know what to feel.

So she settles with what she knows best. Stubbornness. “I don’t need you.”

“Clarke….” Abby’s soft voice strikes something in her chest.

And to her horror, she starts sobbing. Her shoulders shake with her sobs.

Her mom turns her around gently and hugs her. That just makes her cry even harder, never before handled by her mother so tenderly.

And she lets Abby hold her, as she cries.

Abby rubs her back comfortingly as she cries all over her mother’s shoulder.

Abby pulls Clarke away gently and holds her at arm’s length. Clarke’s hands are limply by her side and she doesn’t make an effort to clear her face.

“Listen to me okay?” Abby says and at Clarke’s nod, she continues. “You were the reason we didn’t get the divorce. Because we loved you so much, we didn’t want you to go through our divorce.”

Clarke looks at Abby in surprise. “Really? Me?”

Abby smiles and says gently. “Yes, honey. You. You’re the reason I’m happy today. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Abby says with such conviction that Clarke almost believes her. But it’s a work in progress. And Abby knows that. She smiles softly as if she could read what was going on in her head.

“Talk to Lexa. Sit down and talk with her properly.” Abby says firmly. “But just know that, no matter what you decide, I’ll be with you.”

“Okay.” Clarke knows that the conversation that she needed to have with Lexa won’t be easy.

Better late than never.

Clarke moves to grab her phone and jacket. “We should leave.”

“Yeah.” Abby says and starts moving towards the door.

As she switches on her phone, Clarke notices that the tightness in her chest is gone completely and she feels much better than she has in days.

Her stomach dips suddenly with apprehension when she thinks of the talk that she needs to have with Lexa.

Clarke freezes when she looks at her phone. 30 missed calls. From Lexa, Raven and Octavia.

“What’s wrong?” Abby asks from the door.

“Lot of missed calls. And texts. Something isn’t right.” Clarke says as something akin to dread starts to form in her gut.

She must pale visibly when she sees multiple 911 texts from Raven, Octavia and Lexa because Abby walks towards her slowly, fear and concern when she looks at her.

She calls Raven and waits anxiously for a couple of seconds before the call gets connected.

“Clarke!” Raven shouts and Clarke grimaces in momentary pain. “Is Abby there with you?”

“Yes, Raven. What’s wrong?” Clarke asks slowly, her stomach doing flip-flops with anxiety and dread.

“It’s Jake. He’s had a heart attack."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops...Sorry guys!!
> 
> I'll try posting more regularly since my exams are almost over. Also, thanks for all your comments and kudos. Means a lot to me. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> Please leave comments. Feedback is greatly appreciated. :) :)


	6. A Thousand Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to Jake?

“I didn’t know. I left my phone in my room. I should have charged it before.” Abby keeps murmuring over and over in the taxi. Clarke sits stiffly in the back of the taxi next to her mother, her back not touching the seat.

It’s like something deep had opened inside Clarke and she was just staring into the abyss. Like she couldn’t step away from the hole but at the same time she couldn’t fall into it.

Maybe if she feel into the never ending hole, she’d stop being terrified. Because other than being terrified for her father’s life, she was filled with guilt.

She had done this to him.

“It’s my fault.” Someone whispers with her voice. “It’s my fault.”

She looks at her mother and the anguished look on her face almost tears her heart away. If it still wasn’t on the floor of Raven’s apartment. Her heart dropped out of her body long ago.

“It’s an emergency. Can you please drive faster?” She hears her mom talk to the driver and he grumbles in annoyance.

“I’m going as fast as I can.”

It was a surprise to find a taxi willing to drive them for such a short distance. Maybe he accepted their ride because he was afraid of what the 2 extremely scary women would do to him if he refused them.

“It’s my fault.” Clarke turns to look at the surprised look on her mom’s face beneath all the worry. “Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t----”

“Clarke” Abby’s voice breaks and Clarke watches as tears fall from her mom’s eyes.

She moves closer to Clarke reaching a hand out. When Clarke doesn’t take it, she moves to almost sit on Clarke.

“Clarke, it’s not your fault honey. It’s not. Don’t think like that.” Abby’s voice cracks as she talks.

Clarke has never liked heights before. She never really minded heights but what scared her was the fall. But right now, she just wants to fall.

“Clarke, look at me.” Abby forcefully turns Clarke’s head to look into hers. “Trust me okay? It’s not your fault.”

“How is not, mom?” Clarke hears her voice muffled, as if it’s coming out of a well.

Abby shakes her head forcefully and cups Clarke’s face in her hands. “It’s not. It happens, honey. It----”

“Because of me. Because my life is in shambles and I did this to him.” Clarke says and all she wants is to fall into the deep abyss.

\-----------

The taxi comes to a stop in front of the hospital and Abby takes off immediately. She doesn’t wait for Clarke.

Clarke, however, has her own set of thoughts and worries.

Clarke’s hands shake as she retrieves her wallet and asks the driver “How much?”

“Seven.” She hands him a 10 dollar bill and gets out of the car. “Keep the change.”

“For what it’s worth it, ma’am, he’ll be alright.” The driver says with a sad smile.

Clarke nods her head at him jerkily and he smiles at her one last time before driving away.

Clarke turns and looks at her hospital. For more than 7 years, it was her home and in a way it was still her home but never before had she associated her home so strongly with dread.

_Must be what every other person feels like when they enter the hospital._

Clarke takes a deep breath and start walking towards the entrance. And with every step she takes, she wants to run away as fast as she can.

But she can’t. She did this to her dad and she was going to make sure that he was alright.

She finds her mother screaming at the top of her voice at the reception. She hurries towards her mom.

The nurse at the reception seems enormously glad when she sees her approaching. “Dr.Griffin, please ask your mother to calm down. She is----”

“Calm down? You calm down and tell me where my husband is. Now.” Abby screeches and the nurse flinches back.

“I told you already, Dr.Griffin. He’s in surgery. Please----”

Clarke steps in between them right when it looked like her mom might murder Linda.

“Mom, relax.” Clarke says to Abby who stops shouting immediately but still looks at Linda with murderous rage in her eyes and Linda looks shaken.

“Linda, where is my father?” Clarke says with a level of calmness that she’s doesn't right now. She doesn’t know how she manages to do it.

“Dr.Griffin, I can’t----” Linda starts and immediately Abby starts to shout.

“Mom, mom wait.” Clarke says calmly and turns to Linda. “Linda, you either tell me or I look into the schedule myself.”

Linda sighs heavily before she says “He’s undergoing an angioplasty in Angio Room-3. Dr.Griffin----”

“I know, Linda. Thanks.” Clarke assures the worried nurse and hurries to catch up with her mother who only seemed to get faster with age.

Her mother waits anxiously next to the elevator repeatedly pressing the button. She doesn’t stop Abby from destroying the elevator call button because that’s exactly what she wanted to do and stands silently next to her mother waiting for the elevator.

She feels some kind of strange numbness spreading all over her body as she gets into the elevator.

“It’s only an angioplasty. He’s going to be fine.” Abby keeps repeating and it’s almost as if she kept saying it for her benefit rather than Clarke’s benefit.

Clarke looks at Abby and sees that she’s saying something but Clarke cannot hear anything other than the dull roar of the wind in her ears.

Clarke knows that an angioplasty is a very routine procedure and she’s performed so many in her life, it should have seemed like no big thing. But all that was going on in her head was all the possible complications that could arise from placing a stent.

Clarke’s hand starts to shake and she folds her hands together to reduce the shaking.

She’s staring right at the doors of the elevator waiting for it to open, when someone touches her. She jumps but it’s her mom.

_Of course it was her mom. Who else was there in the elevator?_

Abby clasps her hand with Clarke’s in silence and Clarke lets her. Clarke feels Abby’s hand shake in hers and Clarke just tightens the hold.

The dull roar turns into a high pitched whine when she steps out of the elevator and notices Octavia, Raven, Luna and Lexa.

Lexa.

Everything else other than Lexa blackens. She’s never experienced tunnel vision before and she’s only able to look at Lexa.

And one look into Lexa’s eyes, she starts running.

\------------

Lexa doesn’t gasp or show any signs of pain when Clarke just throws herself at Lexa at a run.

Clarke tucks her head into Lexa’s neck and breathes in her scent as much as she can as Lexa holds her.

And just like Lexa helps her move away from the never ending abyss. She wonders how she’s going to get through life without Lexa.

\-------------

**3 years ago-**

Clarke goes through her study cards in a meticulous manner when Octavia falls on the couch beside her.

“Where is Woods?”

Clarke stiffens before she can stop herself. She knows Octavia noticed her reaction.

“Working. The hospital just gave us a couple days off before our boards.” Clarke says without shifting her eyes from her cards.

Her stomach coiled at the very thought that she’d be taking her oral examinations this time tomorrow.

“What’s wrong?” Octavia asks her slowly.

“Nothing.” Clarke replies with a sigh. She still keeps going with her last minute revision.

When the cards are pulled away rudely from her hands, she knows Raven joined them. Clarke glares at Raven.

“Give it back!”

Raven merely raises her eyebrows. “You don’t have to revise for the 100th time. What’s going on?”

Clarke sighs and leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. Her eyes burn with exertion. She can’t remember the last time she had a full night’s sleep.

“We fought.”

“About what?” Octavia asks.

“About the fellowships.” Clarke says and both Raven and Octavia understand. “Getting called by Mayo, Stanford and John Hopkins….you guys know that it’s rare.”

“Rare?” Octavia voice goes up a few octaves. “You couldn’t ask for better options.”

Clarke nods tiredly.

“So, Boston isn’t in the mix for you?” Raven asks.

“The cardio program here isn’t as great as Mayo.” Clarke says with something close to anguish.

“That’s true.” Octavia nods.

“So, Lexa doesn’t want you to go to Mayo?” Raven asks with an incredulous voice. Almost as if she was accusing her.

She shakes her head vehemently. “She just wants Boston to also be an option.” What she didn’t tell her friends was that Lexa had been offered a position as the head of Trauma here. And Lexa had waited patiently for Clarke’s decision before she could tell anything to Kane, the chief of surgery.

Clarke knew it was her fault. She still hadn’t made a decision about where she was going and she was going to take her exams tomorrow.

“Wait, what?” Octavia almost shouts.

“Boston isn’t even on your list?”

“No. It isn’t.” Clarke says sadly.

“Clarke, you’ve spent 5 years here.” Raven says.

“Don’t you think I know it, Raven?” Clarke pulls at her hair in annoyance. “This is exactly what Lexa also told. But I finally feel like I’m moving out of my mother’s shadow.”

Raven looks like she was going to blow an aneurysm. “What the fuck are you going on about?”

“It feels like this might be my chance to make my own name there. I was always known as the daughter of Abby Griffin here.”

“You think that’s why you got in?” Octavia asks.

“I don’t know.” Clarke shrugs. “Kane and my mom were pretty close.”

“Does Lexa know about this?”

“Yeah, she does. And she thinks my fears are baseless.”

“That’s because they are.” Raven stands up wearing a pissed off expression. “Clarke, you are the second best resident in the entire program.”

An involuntary laugh leaves Clarke and Octavia shouts in protest. But it does nothing for her growing pit of worry.

“Hey! What about me?”

“How do you know you’re not number one?” Raven asks in mock surprise.

Clarke really laughs at this. “Because your ego is big enough to always put you at number one.”

Raven grins proudly and Octavia throws a pillow at her. Raven catches it smoothly before she keeps it under her butt on the couch.

“Don’t fart on that. That’s Lexa’s favourite.” Clarke warns.

Raven sticks her tongue at Clarke and Octavia shakes her head in amusement.

“Anyways, moving back to the matter in discussion,” Octavia turns to Clarke wearing a serious expression. “Clarke, you deserved the places you got into. Even Abby couldn’t have done anything to get you into Mayo.”

Raven nods in encouragement.

“So like Lexa says, your fears are baseless.”

Clarke closes her eyes and sighs. A doubt that she had from her very first day of residency wasn’t going to go away that easily.

Granted she had met the love of her life here but was she going to lose Lexa over a battle between her and her mother that very likely could not even be a battle? She didn’t know what to do.

And ever since the fight she and Lexa had yesterday night, she was afraid if she chose Mayo, Lexa wouldn’t come with her. She never asked Lexa about this but what if she did and Lexa said no?

Her gut coils at the very thought and she shivers.

But she couldn’t decide. She just couldn’t. Something didn’t feel right and Clarke didn’t know what to do. Like the whole world was moving so fast around her without realising that she was undergoing an internal battle.

\-------------

“Indra found out a couple of blockages in his coronary artery. She went in about 10 minutes ago.” Lexa says immediately once they break apart.

Lexa is looking at Clarke with vary eyes as if she expected Clarke to start shouting at her any moment. It felt like a punch to the gut for Clarke when she saw that.

_Is that what she thinks I’m about to do? Blame her?_

Clarke nods unsure of what to say. She looks arounds and sees Abby hugging Raven.

And no one would believe these were a bunch of doctors waiting on a routine procedure.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. It’s all my f----” Lexa’s eyes shine with guilt and sadness.

Clarke can’t help but pull her into a hug. Lexa lets her and she sighs quietly. Clarke’s entire body vibrates with that sigh.

Tears spring to her eyes as she whispers “It’s our fault, Lexa.”

Clarke pulls back slowly to see Lexa’s eyes shining with tears.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I should----”

“No, Lexa. You did everything I asked for. It was an accident that they heard it.” Clarke says firmly.

Clarke doesn’t want to talk yet. About the event that lead to her parents finding out. She’s not ready. Maybe she is but she’s really afraid of Lexa’s reaction.

She’s not sure what scares her more- Lexa wanting to work things out now or Lexa not wanting to. She feels like she’s been pulled apart in all directions and after one point, she’s certain she’ll lose her elasticity and not return.

Lexa nods slowly but one look into her eyes and she knows that Lexa doesn’t believe her.

Clarke grabs her wife’s hands and holds them together firmly.

“He is a 60 year old man who refused to eat anything but bacon and fries for his breakfast. And he has 2 doctors in his house.” Clarke smiles through her tears and a small snort escapes Lexa.

Joy blooms in the pits of her stomach when she hears that sound escape Lexa. “It was good that you were there. It saved his life. You know that.”

Lexa looks a little bit more convinced as she nods. Clarke wonders what Lexa and her dad had talked about before all this happened. And if she had a little bit more guts, she would ask.

But she doesn’t.

She finally takes a step back from their bubble and finds that Luna is looking at her with shrewd eyes.

Not at her. _At them._

Clarke immediately looks away knowing she doesn’t want to think about anything else except her dad. But unfortunately what happened to her dad was because of the sudden revelations in her marriage.

She doesn’t know whether Luna talked to Lexa or not. Or whether she had told others or not.

“What happened?” She asks Lexa instead.

“We were….umm…talking.” Lexa says with gaps and Clarke knows both her wife and dad well enough to know that something else had happened. But she didn’t push Lexa. Not now at least.

“And then he started breathing heavily. I thought he was having a panic attack. And then he clutched his heart. I couldn’t do anything more than call 911.”

When Lexa says it like that, Clarke frowns. “Lex, it’s great that you were there.”

The nickname slips out before she can stop herself but Lexa doesn’t notice.

“But, Clarke, he wouldn’t have had a heart attack if he didn’t hear about us like that.” Lexa says sadly and Clarke can’t help but agree with her. 

They fall into a very eerie silence as Clarke keeps looking at the angio room. But it’s all in vain because Indra doesn’t come out.

She looks at Lexa and shrugs. She walks to the wall and slides down against it and sits there on the floor like a mess and not like a surgeon.

An agonising 30 minutes later which had Clarke thinking about all the possible complications, Indra stepped out of the room.

She stops short in surprise when she sees more than 5 people, all doctors, move towards her quickly.

She raises two hands in the air and smiles slightly. Which was a very rare sight. Which means the surgery couldn’t have gone better.

Clarke releases a breath and almost collapses with the strong relief that flooding her body.

“It went smoothly. Placed 2 stents. No problems.”

“How is he?” A voice startles all of them. “I was in surgery. Sorry, I couldn’t come earlier.”

It was Kane. He ruffles his hair slightly as he approaches them with a very concerned expression.

“Dr.Kane, it went smoothly. He’ll be moved to recovery immediately.” Indra says and Kane sighs in relief.

And with a nod to all of them, Indra leaves. Clarke follows Indra.

“Indra, I just wanted to----”

“No need, Griffin.” Indra says back curtly.

“No, no. You saved my father’s life. I can only imagine to repay the favour back.” Clarke says her voice breaking.

“Griffin, it was not a favour. It’s my job.” Indra says and then adds after as an afterthought. “I’m really glad he’s okay.”

Clarke smiles but she knows it comes off more as a grimace. Indra pats her on the shoulder grimly and leaves.

She turns around to see her mom and Kane talking intently. Raven and Octavia were talking something together but she has eyes only for Lexa.

Lexa who was talking to Luna. Clarke sees Luna’s lips move as Lexa starts to frown.

And as Clarke watches, Lexa’s entire body stiffens.

\-----------

**3 years ago-**

“Clarke Griffin.” An examiner calls her name and she looks up at that. But she makes no move to get up from her seat.

The examiner raises his eyebrows in annoyance and says “Today if you can Dr.Griffin.”

And Clarke is still unable to get up from her seat. All she can think about is Lexa.

How her eyes had been distant when she had kissed Clarke on her cheek and wished her good luck for the exams. She had told her with so much confidence as if she didn’t doubt for a second that Clarke would ace her exams.

Clarke gets up quickly from her seat. “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.” And she takes off at a run leaving behind an extremely surprised examiner calling out her name.

Her heart is in her mouth as she runs to her room and hastily grabs her phone and video calls Lexa.

Her entire body thrums in excitement and anticipation of what was to happen. The call collects a few seconds later and Lexa’s confused face appears on her screen.

“Clarke, is everything all right?”

And when Clarke looks at her girlfriend’s green eyes shining with worry and concern and hears her angelic voice, she wonders why she even took so long.

She was an idiot who had almost lost what mattered to her the most-Lexa.

“Everything’s fine.”

Lexa’s wearing her scrubs and she knows that she must be in the hospital.

“I thought your exam starts at 9:30. What are you doing?”

“I’m not being an idiot.”

“What?”

“Lexa, I am an idiot. I’m sorry. I----”

“Clarke, hasn’t your exam started already?” Lexa asks frowning clearly unable to understand why Clarke is so excited about missing her exam.

Clarke just smiles widely her heart overflowing with affection for Lexa.

“Marry me.”

Lexa’s concerned ranting comes to a stop with a gasp when she hears the words leave Clarke’s mouth. And in the silence following Clarke’s statement, she can hear her heart beat furiously.

“What?”

Clarke grins widely. Her girlfriend (hopefully fiancé) has never looked more adorable to her.

“You’re my home, Lexa. You’re my everything. Marry me?”

Lexa looks at her for a few seconds in surprise before a happy smile breaks out on her face.

Clarke’s stomach coils in anticipation but she knows what Lexa’s going to say. Because all Lexa wanted was Clarke to decide. She hadn’t pushed or forced her into any decision.

Lexa grins widely. “Just to be clear, you’re risking your exams which should have started by now, to ask me whether I’ll marry you?”

“Yeah?” Clarke smiles hopefully.

Lexa’s clear beautiful laughter reaches her ears and she thinks she’ll feel content for the rest of her life to only hear that sound.

“A thousand times yes, Clarke. Yes.”

Clarke grins widely. “I love you.”

“I love you too but I would love a board certified girlfriend even more.” Lexa says with a laugh.

“Fiancé.” Clarke points out and Lexa laughs again.

“Go get certified, my dear fiancé. Good luck.” Lexa says her green eyes shining with happiness and tears.

Clarke cuts the call with a final smile and starts to run to her exam centre.

And even the fact that she could have possibly pissed off her examiners with such behaviour and essentially sabotaged her career, couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. Not even the grumpy and surprised looks on the faces of her examiners could deter her, as she walks in the room ready to take the exam.

Because she just got engaged to the love of her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	7. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Jake have an openhearted conversation. The secret is out in the open.
> 
> Lexa's hiding something. And a small Lexa's POV.

Clarke gazes at her father’s unconscious form in the ICU. She leans against the door and watches her mother hold her father’s hand.

Abby hasn’t left Jake’s bedside since he was wheeled into the room. It was only 20 minutes but it felt like forever for Clarke.

“You told Luna?”

A quiet voice from behind her scares and she violently yelps almost spilling the hot cup of coffee she was attempting to drink.

Her heart beats very quickly and she takes a few deep breathes trying to regain her composure.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise….” Lexa voice fades away as she gestures to her dad’s room.

Clarke shakes her head, her heart heavy at how awkward they had become and she hated every minute of it. And judging from Lexa’s face, she didn’t like how they had grown apart either.

She walks a few steps away from the room dropping her full coffee cup in the bin.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell her. It just sort of…..” Clarke also trails off not knowing how to explain how she had felt when she was knocking on Raven’s door hardly a couple of hours ago.

“Slipped out?” Lexa supplies helpfully. There' s a bit of edge to it but Clarke doesn't pay heed to it.

“Yeah. It did. Sorry.”

Lexa shakes her head. “Please stop apologising.”

Clarke stiffens. Lexa’s angry. “I thought you’d tell someone before making your decision.” She can’t help but let a little bit of her frustration show.

Lexa’s mask comes on immediately and Clarke immediately shrinks. Even though, she knew the mask never worked with her, Lexa only removed it when she was with Clarke.

And after all that they went through, apparently Lexa felt she needed to shield herself from Clarke. Clarke was supposed to be doing that, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t sure if she brought up her shield, she’d ever be able to bring it back down.

It had taken her more than half a year to relax around Lexa after first laying eyes on her. She came close to losing her multiple times before she got her stupid senses back.

But now…..she didn’t know whether she should close herself to the person she trusted the most in the world. She was able to bounce back from her problems with her mother and her exes but she wouldn’t be able to with Lexa.

Clarke opens her mouth but Lexa stops her. “Not here.” Lexa’s voice is cold and goosebumps erupt all over Clarke’s body.

Not the good one. Lexa uses that tone with Clarke when she is very angry. She didn’t even use it when she said she wanted a divorce.

And Clarke knows that the conversation she’s about to have is not going to be an easy one. The pit of worry opens again in Clarke’s stomach but she’s not sure if it ever closed during the last few days.

Lexa’s eyes soften when she notices Clarke’s reaction and she softly adds “Not now. Be with your dad.”

Taken aback by the pace with which Lexa’s emotions seemed to be changing, Clarke is silent.

With a grim nod and a look inside the room, Lexa starts walking away.

It takes a few moments for Clarke to catch up with Lexa, her feet feeling like lead.

“Lexa, you should be there when he wakes up.” She knew Lexa would be relieved more than she was now when her father woke up.

Like Lexa, she knew that the guilt would ease up a bit. But it didn’t look like the guilt was going to go away anytime soon.

Lexa smiles sadly as she says “I’m not sure Jake would want me around, Clarke.”

The surprise must show on her face because Lexa tries to smile but it comes off more of as a grimace. She turns and starts walking again.

“Wait!” She calls out and Lexa turns around. “What did he say?”

It couldn’t have been that bad. Except for the fact that her father ended up with a heart attack during or after the conversation. She needed to know.

Jake had been so happy. Even happier than Clarke, which she didn’t think was possible, when she announced her engagement. Jake had loved Lexa right from the very first meeting.

She wanted to know what Jake had said to Lexa, especially when she was being so reluctant. Anxiousness begins to build deep in her as she looks at Lexa’s hesitant expression.

“Lexa, please.”

“Clarke, he said that you were the happiest when we were together. That he hated seeing us like this.” Lexa says so quickly, so quickly that Clarke can’t almost understand her.

Clarke frowns. “What?”

Lexa’s eyes fill with tears. “He said that I wouldn’t have taken this decision lightly and that I’d be his daughter no matter what.”

Their lives were so intertwined that if they ever separated, they would never really separate. She feels weird when Lexa says this- not knowing if it was something good or bad.

Clarke frowns in confusion. From what Lexa tells her, it seems to Clarke that Jake was taking their probable separation well or as well as he could take it seeing from the heart attack he just had.

“That’s all?”

“No.” Lexa says shortly as if she wasn’t willing to share anything more. Lexa looks away from Clarke as if she knows that Clarke would be able to get the truth from her eyes, which maybe Clarke could.

“What happened?” Clarke waits anxiously for Lexa to tell her what exactly had transpired between them for Jake to end up in the hospital with 2 stents in his artery.

“We were talking about some other stuff and then he….clutched his chest.” Lexa says being very vague.

Clarke frowns again, irritated by Lexa’s vagueness. And from the infamous mask slipping on Lexa’s face, she reads Clarke’s frustration well.

Sighing in annoyance, Clarke just turns on her feet leaving Lexa behind, for her anxiousness was replaced by determination. She was going to find out what happened between her wife and dad.

\-------------

**3 years ago-**

“How serious are you about Clarke, Lexa?” Jake asks as they both sit leisurely on a lazy Californian morning.

Clarke was still asleep while Abby had already left for the hospital.

“Mr.Griffin, I just got engaged to your daughter.” Lexa says incredulously with a short laugh.

_What was he even saying?_

This seemed like the talk Jake should have had with her when they first started dating. Not two years later when they were engaged. Except she had already received warnings from all of Clarke’s friends. And from Abby in the form of intimidating silence.

Jake tuts and says “Lexa, I told you to call me Jake.”

Lexa grins and nods. She takes a sip of her coffee and sighs in pleasure.

“You still haven’t answered my question Lexa.” Jake says with a smile.

“Sorry, Mr.Gri—Jake.” Lexa immediately straightens up and says “Clarke, she’s the best thing which ever happened to me. You don’t have to worry, Jake. I won’t hurt her.” Lexa says with sincerity and Jake smiles softly at that.

Lexa tries to hide her confusion and worry and she manages well. He takes another sip of his coffee and looks at the rising sun. He then sighs and Lexa immediately knows that he wants to talk something far more serious.

“You know about Clarke and Abby right?” Jake asks rhetorically and continues without waiting for Lexa’s answer. “They never really understood each other. When both of them are in the house together, there’s almost certainly a fight. You saw what happened yesterday during dinner.”

Lexa nods and Jake continues.

“But, what both of them don’t realise is that they are alike. So alike that if they stopped butting heads for just a few seconds, they’d understand.”

Lexa understood where Jake was coming from. She’d only seen Abby a few times, during which Abby had glared at her almost always. It was obvious to Lexa that Abby didn’t approve of their relationship and now their engagement. She knows she must talk to Abby but honestly, she’s scared.

Not only is Abby a world renowned neurosurgeon, she is her girlfriend’s mother and she already doesn’t have her approval.

But yes, Clarke and Abby were so similar that sometimes Lexa had wondered why they didn’t get along. Clarke had told her everything that had happened between her and Abby but she didn’t have any rights meddling in their matter.

“Sometimes Abby doesn’t know what’s good for her until she’s gone through it. Abby needs me just like Clarke will need you.”

Lexa frowns at Jake’s rather heavy tone. “What are you saying Jake?”

Jake sighs and turns to look at her. “Lexa, Clarke is not easy.”

Lexa laughs at that. “Believe me, Jake. The number of times she’s tried to run away is a lot more than I’d like to boast.”

Jake snaps his fingers at that. “Exactly. But Clarke loves you.”

Lexa is confused. “Jake, what are you trying to say? If you’re trying to suggest that I’m not in for the long haul, you’re wrong. I know Clarke----”

Jake holds up his arm up in surrender at Lexa’s slightly angry voice. She’d wanted to sound reassuring but she’s received enough doubt from one parent and it felt like a punch to the gut to hear the same from Jake.

“Lexa, I’m sorry that’s not what I meant. I’m not doubting you. It’s….umm…my duty as a father to warn you.” Jake’s hesitancy confuses Lexa. He was one of the most straightforward person she’s ever met and his round about approach both confused and scared her.

“Warn me? Aren’t you supposed to threaten me?” Lexa says with a laugh.

Jake sobers at that and watching Jake’s reaction wipes the grin off her face. What the hell was happening?

“Lexa, Clarke acts all tough from the outside. Like she’s strong. And she is. She’s brave. But she’s stubborn. Like her mother. But inside, she’s soft.”

“Mr.Griffin, I know all this. You aren’t scaring me.” A thought struck Lexa. “Are you trying to scare me away? Cause I’m not. I told you, I love----”

Jake’s laugh cuts off her rambling. “No, Lexa. I’m warning you. And you might think, you’ve seen it all…but no. Mother and daughter, they are a unique species.”

Lexa thinks that Jake has no idea the kind of fights they already had but she nevertheless keeps it in mind. Lexa takes a sip of her coffee enjoying the warmth of the sun on her face.

“Just don’t give up on her easily, Lexa.” Jake says with a sigh. “Don’t give up on her.” He repeats and Lexa nods solemnly.

\--------------

When Clarke returns to her dad’s room after walking away from Lexa, she hears her mom sobbing.

Alarmed she enters the room to see that her dad is awake and talking. She freezes and is unable to move when her dad’s eyes fall on her.

“Clarke.” Jake sounds cheerful as if he just didn’t have a life altering surgery. Clarke senses some sadness behind her dad’s tone and she knows what it’s got to do with.

Clarke still stands there when Jake gestures to her to come to his other side. When she doesn’t move from her spot, ridden with guilt, Jake’s face transforms to one of concern.

His expression transforms to one of absolute surprise and unhidden excitement when Abby approaches Clarke and touches her arm softly.

“Maybe I should get more heart attacks.” Jake says with a smile on his face attempting to lower the tension levels in the room.

“Don’t you dare!” Both Clarke and Abby growl at the same time but it just widens his smile.

When his smile doesn’t disappear, Clarke points out “It had nothing to do with you.” And Abby nods in agreement with a strict expression.

“How can it not?” He asks almost smugly but Clarke knows he’s just happy for them. She lets him have it. She’s been fighting with her mom for 32 years.

Clarke huffs and goes to Jake’s side. “How are you feeling?” She opens his chart and looks at it.

“No one would believe me if I said this was my family.” Jake says in annoyance to the ceiling as Abby looks on with a fond smile. “I just have 2 doctors checking my vitals and reading that book.”

“It’s a chart.” Clarke and Abby say at the correct time and Jake’s look of fake annoyance goes away.

“How are you feeling?” Clarke asks and Jake smiles softly.

“Is this my daughter or a cardiothoracic surgeon asking?”

“Dad! Cut the shit.” Clarke doesn’t know why she snaps. But from the concerned look on her parents’ face, they know.

She doesn’t think she can handle anymore pity from them. She’s bemoaned about it to Luna and then had a heart to heart with her mother only to know that Jake actually had a heart attack.

She was emotionally drained and it was only afternoon. She just wanted to go hide under a rock, figure out what she was feeling before she was undoubtedly going to be cornered by her friends.

Clarke feels sheepish and guilty immediately. She starts to backtrack out of the room. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m going to go. Take-----”

“Clarke, stop.” Abby stops her. “I’m going to go for a coffee. Please stay.”

Before Clarke can protest, Abby kisses Jake slightly on the lips and flashes a smile to Clarke on the way out.

Jake’s still looking at her with concern in his eyes and she finds that she can’t quite meet his eyes. She moves closer to the bed again silently.

“I’m sorry, dad.” Clarke’s voice breaks as she says and Jake knows that it’s not for her sudden outburst a few minutes ago.

“Clarke.” Jake says. “Look at me.”

And after a very heavy and difficult seconds later, Clarke manages to look at the identical blue ones.

“It’s not your fault, kiddo.” He says but Clarke can’t help but disagree with him. She shakes her head but he doesn’t let it go.

“Clarke, it wasn’t your fault. Nor was it Lexa’s. You know that right?”

“How can it not be? If you hadn’t heard us fighting, you----”

“It isn’t. You guys are allowed to have fights without me-----” Jake says with some uncertainty in his voice.

Clarke laughs. “It’s not just some fight dad.” Was she crying or laughing? Figure it out, Clarke!

“I know.” Jake says quietly.

“What happened between you and Lexa?” Clarke knows she shouldn’t be having such an emotionally charged conversation with her father right after surgery but she didn’t know what else to do.

She felt like she was in a maze. And no matter what direction she turned in, she was stuck in there.

Jake smiles softly at that. “That’s not mine to share. Lexa will tell you. When she’s ready, I suppose.”

“Can you stop talking in riddles?” Clarke wasn’t able to keep her frustration in a closed jar. It kept opening and then spilling out. “She’s not going to be ready dad. She’s done. She’s leaving me.” Clarke’s voice cracks at the very end.

And despite her stubbornness, tears leave her eyes. She wipes them away hastily before they can land on her cheeks.

“Clarke----” Jake’s pained voice should have stopped her but it just eggs her on.

“Dad, she told me doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know what to do.”

Jake looks stumped for a few seconds. And Clarke understands very well. Because she still doesn’t get why.

Sure they had fights. A lot of them. Some serious and some not. They hadn’t worked on their relationship and Clarke knew that was true. But Lexa single-handedly jumping to a conclusion about wanting a divorce…she just didn’t understand. And from the looks of it, neither did her father.

“But when we just got there, you said you’d give her the divorce. What changed?” Jake looks immensely confused.

Clarke is taken aback. She didn’t know. And from her silence, Jake gets all the answers he needs.

“Clarke, kiddo.” He says cracking a small smile. “Talk to her. Sit down and don’t be stubborn. Ah Ah…listen to me.” He says a bit more strongly when Clarke tries to argue.

“I don’t know what happened between you guys to have pushed Lexa to take such a decision. But it wasn’t an easy one for her. You know that right?”

Clarke walks away from the side of the bed in frustration. All her parents had to say to her was that she needed to talk to Lexa. No shit Sherlock! She knew that all by herself.

“Dad, if it was so difficult for her, maybe she should have talked with me before she made a decision?” Clarke asks scathingly.

Jake shrugs. “Yeah, looks like something that neither of you did.”

Clarke wants to storm out. This conversation wasn’t going the way she wanted it to but she had a nagging feeling, many of her to come talks were also going to be similar.

“Mom told me about how you guys almost got divorced.” Clarke says quietly and Jake stiffens.

“She did?”

“Yeah, she did.” Clarke says as Jake frowns slightly.

It seemed very ironical to Clarke. How her parents had stayed together for her while Lexa and she were on the verge of getting divorced about children.

“What did she tell you?” Jake seems to relax a bit more as Clarke comes and takes a seat next to his bed.

“She told me why you didn’t go through with your plan.”

“And why is that?” Jake knows that she knows. But it’s almost as if Jake wants to hear the reason from her mouth.

“Me.” Clarke almost whispers. Afraid that if she told it out louder, someone might actually say that it was not true.

Jake smiles softly and takes her hand in his. “You, Clarke. You are the reason why I’m so happy today. Remember that.”

Clarke looks at him and nods slowly. It’s the second time she’s heard it today but she’s not sure how many times she needs to hear it for her to accept it.

Whenever she is with her parents, no matter the number of times they’ve fought and the words exchanged, she couldn’t keep her shields up. Just like when she was with Lexa. That’s probably why it hurt her so much during her childhood and now with Lexa.

“I’ve seen you be happy with Lexa. Happier than I’ve ever seen you. More than when you were with us. Fight for it, Clarke. Fight for her. Don’t give up on something that gave you happiness so quickly. I didn’t and I couldn’t be more grateful now.”

“But dad…”

Jake shakes her head slowly and squeezes her hand tightly, his other hand reaching her face to wipe a few tears. “I never said it will be easy, Clarke. You didn’t fight all these years but now…you have to. Despite whatever Lexa said. Because one would be a fool if they actually believed that she doesn’t love you.”

\--------------

“How are you feeling?” Clarke looks up at the voice that breaks her out of her thoughts.

Octavia holds her abdomen softly as she sits on the chair with a groan.

“You okay?” Clarke shoots a concerned glance at her friend. She had never been the one to be loud about what pained her. Not even during the accident.

Octavia nods. “How are you?”

Clarke shrugs looking at Octavia. One look into her brown eyes and Clarke knows. That Octavia knows about her and Lexa. She sighs.

“When did you get so good at reading me?” Octavia asks with a gloomy look.

“I’ve known you for 10 years.” Clarke remarks drily.

“And yet, you hid it from me.” Octavia says with barely hidden frustration.

Clarke merely sighs in response and takes a sip of her coffee. The first proper one today. She and coffee just didn't seem to catch a break.

“What happened?” Octavia asks softly and Clarke smiles.

“I was just thinking the other day. How you’ve changed. Motherhood looks good on you, O.”

“You’re not going to get away from having this conversation.” Octavia says and Clarke laughs bitterly.

“I haven’t even talked to Lexa properly, O. What can I even tell you?”

Clarke knows she looks normal from the outside but on the inside, she wasn’t doing very well. Whenever she thought about Lexa, her gut filled with longing, apprehension and dread. A combination of emotions so weird, Clarke had to spend some time figuring it out.

Her dad had helped. Her mom too. But they couldn’t talk on behalf of her. She needs to do this but she knows that she’s not ready for it.

What if Lexa still wants a divorce? The sane part of her knew that it was good in a way. Lexa’s opinion about being with her hadn’t gone away because Lexa knew about Clarke’s interest in adopting kids. But it was so very bad in a way that Lexa didn’t want her. Not even when she knew she and Clarke had the same dream.

And she didn’t know which one she wanted.

“Why does Lexa want a divorce?”

The bluntness of Octavia’s question takes her by surprise and she barely manages to hide her shiver.

“Because she doesn’t love me anymore.”

If she was surprised by Octavia’s rudeness, she’s shocked now. A short burst of laughter leaves Octavia’s mouth and Clarke immediately feels her anger building up.

Realising what she just did, Octavia tries in vain to turn her surprised face into an apologetic one.

And all Clarke wanted to do was to drink her coffee in peace. Her anger doesn’t subside at Octavia’s failed attempt so she glares at her and gets up from her chair.

A hand on hers stops her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.”

She falls back into her chair with a huff and Octavia’s sorry face turns back into a concerned face.

“I just couldn’t believe it, Clarke. I’m sorry.” She repeats again and this time she sounds genuine. “How do you know?”

“She told me in as many words, O. That she doesn’t love me anymore.” This is only the second time she says this out loud but strangely enough she feels numb. Maybe her brain repeating those 5 words back to her these last couple of days seems to have done the trick.

Octavia looks clearly lost as Clarke drinks her coffee in silence. It didn’t help when people around her all kept reacting the same way.

“Where’s Raven?” Clarke asks just when it looked like Octavia might say something. Clarke knew that if Octavia knew, no way in hell that Raven wouldn’t.

Her face looks as if someone made her swallow something unpleasant. “She went to talk to Lexa.”

And from Octavia’s worried expression, she knew Raven hadn’t gone to talk to Lexa. More like confront her.

Clarke sighs yet again. Her head falls forward and her forehead hits the table with a dull thump.

She felt like it was under control when only the two of them knew about it. Now it was out in the open, ready to be dissected.

But the truth was, Clarke was never in control. Not for some time now. It had all started going down the drain 6 months ago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this!!!
> 
> I know I'm dragging out half a day- 4 chapters. But I'm getting there!
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	8. Locked Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally have their talk.

Clarke is anxiously pacing in her apartment as she waits for Lexa to come home. Jake was staying overnight for observation and Abby had all but kicked her out of the room saying that she should go home.

Go home to talk to Lexa. Lexa who hadn’t come home. And it was 10. Last she had seen Lexa was when she refused to tell her about what happened between her and Jake.

All day she had thought about what she wanted to talk to Lexa. They were going to sit down like adults and talk about everything.

6 months ago, she had reacted horribly and now she knew she was going to lose Lexa because of that. Lexa had forgiven her then but she broke her promise that everything was going to be alright. Because obviously nothing was.

Clarke freezes midway through her repetitive walk and turns when she hears the clinking sound of keys from her door.

Lexa walks inside looking tired. But she still managed to look attractive. So good that her heart aches for Lexa.

“Hi.” Lexa says when she sees Clarke staring at her like a deer in headlights.

“Hi.” is all Clarke can whisper, for all the determination and the plans she had drawn up were starting to be slowly replaced by anxiousness.

_Get it together, Clarke_

“How is Jake?” Lexa sounds wary and Clarke knows that she still blames herself for what happened.

But she doesn’t move closer to Lexa, who is still standing awkwardly next to the door, not even having removed her jacket.

“He’s fine. Dad’s been moved to a room. They’re just keeping him there for observation tonight.”

“That’s good.” Lexa replies softly and Clarke’s stomach turns at the softness behind Lexa’s voice.

“Where were you?” She manages to ask instead.

“I was with Anya. Thought you’d want to stay with Jake and Abby for a while.” Lexa says offhandedly while she removes her coat and throws it on the couch.

“Oh.” Clarke immediately worries when she hears her sister-in-law’s name. She and Anya didn’t get on well. They merely tolerated each other.

“Yeah.” Lexa wears a small smile looking at Clarke’s expression, as if remembering all the fights and arguments they both had shared over Lexa.

A part of Clarke feels glad and happy to see Lexa’s smile while the other half isn’t so sure. Is this how all of their problems were shunned to the side? Without ever really talking about it?

“How is she?” Clarke says instead ignoring the worry and concern she feels.

Lexa’s lip twitches as she says “She sends her regards.”

Clarke snorts and for a moment she feels at home at the familiar banter she used to share with Lexa. Almost. If not for the guillotine looming over their heads. Threatening to cut off almost everything she had over the last few years.

Lexa almost immediately sobers up when she Clarke’s expression. It only irritates Clarke even more when Lexa claims she doesn’t love her anymore but still reads her like an open book.

“Did you tell her?” Clarke says and Lexa stiffens.

“She knew.” Lexa’s stiff voice reaches her ears and she freezes. “Before.”

She feels an odd sense of betrayal. She knew Anya didn't like her much but was it too much to hope that Anya could have helped her out?

“Anya knew that you were going to ask me for a divorce?” Calm before the storm made sense to her now. Her throat constricts in emotion as something hot starts to fill her chest slowly.

“Yes. I talked to her.” Lexa’s vagueness only adds fuel to her anger.

Sensing that this conversation was taking a rather dangerous turn, Lexa hastens to explain. “She helped me, Clarke. Understand what I was going through.”

“And you decided that a full time business woman would be better than a therapist?” Lexa flinches when she hears Clarke monotonous tone, almost as if the very thought had struck her multiple times.

Clarke can feel something build up but she can barely manage to keep it under control.

“I didn’t want to go to therapy for some small----”

“Small? We’re about to get divorced.” She’s still not sure how she’s under control.

Lexa moves towards her, arm out as if she almost wants to touch Clarke. She stops short as if realising what she was about to do. Her arm drops stiffly to the side but she doesn’t move away.

“Look, I know you think that Anya is behind all this----”

“What?” A short burst of laughter escapes Clarke.

“And you didn’t think that.” Lexa concludes lamely, brows furrowed when she hears Clarke’s astonished laugh.

“Of course I didn’t think that, Lexa. I don’t think Anya’s some kind of a homewrecker.” Clarke considers her words for a moment. “At least not for her own sister.”

Lexa huffs. “There it is.”

Clarke frowns. “What?”

“Nothing.” Lexa says frowning.

“That right there is our problem.” Clarke says pointedly.

“Oh!” Lexa laughs mockingly. “So all of a sudden you’re a therapist? I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”

“At least I’m trying.” Clarke snaps back.

“Trying?” Lexa says incredulously. “Do you even know what that means?”

Clarke takes a step back in shock. “What’s that supposed to mean? I----”

“Don’t. You only want to talk because I want a divorce.”

Clarke’s mouth falls open. “Because I love you.”

“If you had loved me, maybe you wouldn’t have done all this.” Lexa gestures with her arms frustrated.

“Done what? Was it so wrong to think that we were happy? That we didn’t have problems?”

“Didn’t have any problems?” Lexa repeats and Clarke knows she’s said the wrong thing.

“I----”

“You said I broke a promise? What about the one you broke 6 months ago?” Lexa snaps and Clarke feels herself shrink because she knows she fucked up here. Badly.

“I told you I wasn’t ready. I just needed ti----” Clarke starts her voice much softer than before.

“Don’t give that excuse Clarke. Don’t.” Something snaps in Clarke at the anguish in Lexa’s voice. “Just don’t. Anything else. Because less than half a year later, you’re ready. To have kids.”

“Lexa----” Clarke starts to say but stops short at the sigh her wife releases.

Lexa’s crying. Tears overflow from her forest green eyes and each tear leaving her eyes seem to stab Clarke. Painfully.

And she doesn’t know what to do. Should she go hug her wife who doesn’t lover her anymore?

“How do I know you want to have kids with me just because of what had happened?” She feels herself crack when Lexa’s voice breaks.

“Why do you think I waited Lex? I didn’t want you to think I was just doing this to be with you.” Clarke tries to make it through the sentence without tears spilling over.

Lexa doesn’t say anything else, her beautiful green eyes full of heartbreak and Clarke thinks she failed at what mattered the most. Keep Lexa happy.

“I wanted to tell you. That I wanted to adopt. I was afraid you’d think that. Exactly that. I wanted to take this step with you.” Clarke says her voice breaking and tears spilling over. “I was late.” She adds and she witnesses Lexa’s heart break again.

Lexa wipes at her tears resolutely. “Yeah, you were.”

Clarke doesn’t know what to reply to that because it looked as if they had just reached the end of their marriage.

\------------

**5 years ago-**

“How are they so beautiful?” Octavia comments as Clarke, Raven and she watch Lexa walk with another woman with dark blue scrubs.

Raven snorts trying to conceal the fact that she’s mightily impressed.

“Are you coming out O?” Clarke says with a laugh.

That earns her a laugh from Raven and an innocent look from Octavia.

“I mean seriously, she’s been obsessed with Lexa. And now with the other attending.” Clarke says with a grin.

Octavia turns around to face them and points a hand in Lexa and the other attending's general direction. “Can you blame me? How can they be this beautiful in scrubs?”

“Yeah, it should be a crime.” Raven says sarcastically, her eyes still on the new attending.

Clarke shoves Raven slightly. “You’re drooling.”

“You’re saying that to me?” Raven asks Clarke with a smirk.

Octavia laughs. “Yeah, she turns into some sort of a mess when Lexa’s around.”

Clarke blushes and ducks her head. Lest Lexa catch her watching her. Clarke has been avoiding Lexa since last week when she had the most embarrassing introduction ever. She knew she couldn’t get away from avoiding her rotation in trauma forever but she could definitely delay the inevitable.

“I don’t turn into some sort of a mess.” Clarke protests weakly opening a patient chart and looking at it without really reading.

“Yeah. Not some sort of a mess. Gay mess.” Raven cackles and high fives Octavia.

Clarke glares at the both of them but it just amuses the both of them even more.

She grabs her chart and starts walking without waiting to see whether her friends follow her or not.

They do.

“Just ask her out, Clarke.” Octavia says and Clarke just shakes her head.

“I don’t like her Octavia. It’s only been you who’s been shipping Lexa and me.”

Raven grins at that. “I get the name credits.”

Clarke looks up surprised her cheeks still red from all the blushing. “You framed _Clexa_? When?”

Raven just laughs loudly while Octavia grins. “After O told me how you two met.”

Totally stumped, Clarke just huffs and keeps walking knowing anything she’s going to say is futile.

“Seriously though, you should ask her out before someone else does.” Octavia says.

Raven interrupts her reply. “And don’t say you don’t like her. It’s obvious you do.”

Clarke stops when she reaches her patient’s room. Raven and Octavia turn around to face her.

“Look, for the last time, I don’t like her.” Clarke says.

“I’m sensing a but there…” Octavia prompts Clarke with a knowing smile.

“Of course, she’s hot. But that doesn’t mean I should go out with her.” Clarke says and then she catches the smirk on Raven’s face.

“Why, thank you, Dr.Griffin.”

Clarke whirls around to see Lexa and the new attending standing behind her. Lexa wears a smirk while the other woman looks amused.

“Shame about her not wanting to date you though.” The new attending says with a laugh.

And Clarke feels herself turn beet red and just wishes the earth would open up and swallow her. Even then she’s not sure she’s not going to be embarrassed.

“Dr. Woods.” Clarke says stiffly.

She hears snickers behind her and she knows that they had set her up for this. They were so dead. She was most certainly going to deal with them later.

Lexa smiles so widely, her green eyes shining happily.

“This is your new attending. Luna Brooks. Neurosurgeon.”

Clarke takes Dr.Brooks’s outstretched hand. “Clarke Griffin.” She introduces herself.

“Ah, Griffin?” Luna asks and Clarke can feel the pleasant feeling slowly going away knowing what she was going to ask her. “Any connection to Abby Griffin?”

She nods her head. “She’s my mother.”

“That’s nice. So we have royalty here.” Luna says with a genuine smile but Clarke can’t help but shiver at the very thought.

She was never going to get out of her mother’s shadow no matter how much she moved away from her.

Clarke plasters a fake smile on her face trying to end this conversation about her mother as soon as she can. She looks at Lexa to see that her smile was gone and she was studying her curiously.

She breaks away eye-contact; that pleasant feeling now completely gone, replaced with dread. What else could she expect from anyone?

One simple information about her mother and Clarke felt like she was immediately being judged.

Luna doesn’t notice her mood change and just smiles pleasantly.

“Raven Reyes.” Raven steps forward and takes Luna’s hand. Raven wears a smirk and to Clarke’s surprise, Luna wears one too.

She hides a smile when she notices this interaction. They seemed to be holding hands for a while and Octavia clears her throat.

And as if they both were in a daze, they jump back. Luna still wears a smile and Clarke can feel Raven’s entire body buzzing with excitement.

She looks at Lexa to see if she had noticed this interaction. But what she sees there, takes her aback.

Lexa is looking at her intensely. A blush makes its way and she looks away before it becomes obvious.

“Octavia Blake. Nice to meet you.” Octavia says and Luna smiles politely back.

“So you’re all residents?”

“Yeah. 4th year.” Octavia says and Luna nods.

“Excuse me. I have a patient.” Clarke says to break the silence and steps into the patient’s room.

She exhales heavily once she closes the door behind her. She didn’t know she was holding in a breath.

She looks around to see everyone else leave. And for some reason, she’s sad about it. She’s confused but goes on with her job.

\-----------------

What the fuck was stopping her from breaking down? After spoiling the greatest thing that had ever happened to her?

But instead she says “That’s how you reached the conclusion that you don’t love me anymore?”

Lexa stiffens immediately, guilt and regret making their way to her eyes where Clarke could read them easily.

Was it wrong that she could still feel hope? It was. It was very wrong.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

Hope. _Beat._ Don’t. _Beat._ Hope.

“Your therapist helped you reach that?” Clarke can’t help but say that and Lexa immediately flares up as well.

“Don’t bring Anya into this.”

“Why not?”

“She doesn’t have anything to do with what decision I made.” Lexa says back just as furiously.

“She does. And I’ll blame her for the rest of my life.”

“Blame her?” Lexa shakes her head almost as if the entire conversation was just a waste of time. She starts to take a step back when Clarke replies.

“That she didn’t for a second give you proper advice.”

Lexa stops short at that, eyebrows raised. “Clarke----”

“You skipped steps. So many steps. A fight and then divorce? Was that how much I was worth to you?”

Lexa’s face goes pale as Clarke’s eyes start to tear up again.

“You didn’t want to fight for me, Lexa. You just gave me up. Just like that.”

“I----” Lexa stops short not knowing what to say, pain wrecked all over her face. “It wasn’t just like that, Clarke.” Lexa’s pleading voice reverberates deeply within her.

“It can’t all go back to one day, Lexa. No.”

“I’m not saying that. I----”

“That’s what you did. We fought. Terribly. 6 months later you come and you say you want a divorce. That you don’t love me anymore.”

Lexa takes a step back, no colour in her face.

Clarke smiles without humour. “But you already know that right? That’s what you talked about with Dad. Before he had a heart attack.”

“What----” Lexa’s way too shocked to react. “How do you know?”

“I know you, Lex.”

\-------------

**5 years ago (contd)-**

“Yes, Mrs. Jackson. Dr.Smith will see before you go in.” Clarke says with a smile as she steps outside the room.

And to her surprise, she sees Lexa standing there. She avoids eye contact and starts walking.

It doesn’t take more than a couple of seconds for Lexa to catch up with her.

“Dr.Woods.” Clarke says but doesn’t stop walking.

“So you noticed that I was waiting for you.” Clarke doesn’t need to look at Lexa to know that she’s wearing a smirk.

Clarke successfully prevents the blush from reaching her cheeks. “I didn’t know you were waiting for me.” She lies through her teeth but she stops walking.

Lexa merely smiles in return as if she caught the lie.

“Go out with me.”

Clarke chokes on air. “What?” She gasps out.

“Yeah. I want to take you out on a date.”

Clarke stutters over words and Lexa looks completely amused.

“Is that a yes or a no?”

Clarke exhales sharply and steels herself before saying “I’m really flattered, Dr.Woods. But I’m going to have to say no.”

And to Clarke’s utter surprise, Lexa just smiles.

“Why not? You think I’m hot.” Lexa smirks and gestures at herself. Clarke follows her arms’ and realises she’s staring.

Clarke blushes. “It was---it---it was unprofessional of me. I shouldn’t have said that.” Clarke stammers and looks away.

Lexa grins at that. “It’s the truth. And I’m glad you think so.”

Clarke’s mouth falls open at that. She was cocky and Clarke didn’t mind it one bit. But she was definitely not going to let Lexa know that.

“You’re my attending, Dr.Woods. I’m your student. We can’t date.” Clarke knows why she’s saying no but she doesn’t want to face it.

“That didn’t stop you and your friends from gawking at us just a few minutes before.”

Lexa saw them. “What?” She gasps and Lexa’s grin only widens.

“I’d like to get to know you better, Clarke.” This is the first time Lexa uses her first name and she feels goosebumps break out all over her body.

The way Lexa pronounced her name- no had ever called her like that.

Knowing that she was probably looking at Lexa in amazement and that it wasn’t helping Lexa’s advances, she schools her features into an expressionless face.

“I’m sorry, Dr.Woods. I don’t date anyone at work.” Clarke lies but what Lexa didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

She dated Finn for a while before he wanted more and Clarke didn’t. Lexa was Finn’s replacement in the hospital. But Lexa didn’t need to know that.

That doesn’t deter Lexa at all. She just smiles and says “We’ll see.” Before winking and walking away.

Her legs felt like jelly as if she was standing on unsteady ground. Heat rushes right to her head as she starts walking and thinks about the conversation she just had.

And the only thing that strengthens her resolve was the fact that Lexa wanted to date the daughter of Abby Griffin and not her, Clarke.

And at this moment, she had never hated her last name more.

\-------------

_“I know you Lex.”_

It echoes off the walls in her apartment in the following silence.

Lexa is still standing there looking stricken. And Clarke wants nothing more than to hug her wife. But was she even still her wife?

She knows enough to know that Lexa’s fighting. Head or Heart?

Clarke remembers how she and Lexa used to make fun that both of them were only heads. Not hearts. No heart in this relationship. Clarke always used to laugh and kiss Lexa fondly whenever she used to say that. But now…?

But she needed heart. Was she using it? Was she going to get the same from Lexa?

“What do you want to do now?” Clarke says managing to hide the resignation in her tone. She knew what Lexa was going to say. But what was she going to say?

“What?” Lexa looks at her confused.

“You know what.” Clarke sighs heavily. “The divorce, Lexa.”

Lexa frowns at that, sadness entering her eyes yet again. “You tell me, Clarke. You said no first. And then today you said you’ll give me the divorce. What do you want to do?”

Clarke stands there. It was easy asking the question. Not easy to answer. At all. As if she had been standing there for an eternity, her body slowly starts to get numb. And when she tries to fight it, there are small prickles all over her body.

She shrugs helplessly tears finally leaving her eyes. It was almost done. Everything. “You said you don’t love me anymore, Lexa.” 

Lexa sighs at that, looking clueless as well.

“Do you want to be with me or not, Lexa?”

And maybe she thinks the numbing prickling sensation all over her body is to prepare herself for what she’s about to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!
> 
> I'll try to post regularly but I can't promise anything cause I'm about to have a very busy couple of weeks. 
> 
> And thanks for reading :)


	9. Wrecking Ball- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calm before the storm.
> 
> Flashback to the fight- 6 months ago. This entire chapter is everything leading up to their fight. All 6 months ago.

**6 months ago-**

“Something’s going on with O.” This is how Raven greets her.

“Huh?”

“There’s something different about her.”

Clarke looks away from the board and looks at Raven who stands next to her.

“How about you start the conversation with a how are you Clarke. All good.” Clarke says sarcastically and Raven rolls her eyes.

“Griffin cut it out.” Raven drawls and Clarke snorts.

18 years and Raven still found new ways to amuse her every day.

“Why are you staring at that empty board for that long?”

Clarke gasps and so does everyone else standing around them. (Raven is loud. Very loud)

“Raven!”

Raven simply turns and looks around.

“Oh chill everyone. It’s not like I said today was a slow day.”

Everyone gasps around as Clarke hits Raven at the back of her head.

She turns around with mock indignation written all over her face.

“Why is everybody over-reacting? I merely said that it wasn’t.” Raven cries out.

Clarke merely shakes her head and starts walking. It’s not long before Raven joins her looking slightly sheepish.

Clarke imperceptibly reduces her speed so that Raven can keep up with her. Raven was hit the hardest within the three of them (she, Octavia and Raven) after a freak accident. And Raven hated sympathy. She and Octavia had escaped with minor scratches and concussion while Raven broke her leg. And it was a hard path to recovery.

“Now we all know who to blame if we have a tough day.” Clarke comments as Raven groans.

“You shouldn’t have announced it to everyone.” Clarke says with a laugh.

Raven huffs and says “Anyways, what do you think about O?”

“What about her?” Clarke says offhandedly as she keeps walking.

“Something’s different with her.”

“Really? I haven’t noticed anything new.” Clarke shrugs.

“Dude, she just let a kid close on his own.” Raven says incredulously. Clarke frowns suspiciously.

“Exactly!” Raven snaps her fingers at Clarke’s reaction, happy having finally received the reaction she had expected. “She’s teaching and that too without scaring the resident away.”

Clarke is astonished. In all the 7 years she knew Octavia, there was not a moment where she was calm and composed when she was teaching. Multiple interns and residents had broken down right in front of everyone thanks to Octavia, so it came as a shock to Clarke naturally when she heard that O was not making people cry.

“That’s not normal at all.”

“I know.” Raven all but shouts and looks at Clarke with a triumphant expression.

“Do you think she’s been reprimanded?” Clarke wonders out loud.

Raven thinks for a few seconds before she answers. “Nah. I mean if something like that happened, she’d definitely have told us. At least Kane would have warned all the attendings.”

“That’s true.” Clarke says but before she can come up with another theory, she’s interrupted.

“I hear that you just jinxed the entire day babe. People aren’t happy.” Luna greets Raven with a kiss on her cheek.

She doesn’t have to know how it spread so fast. Her hospital was a rumour mill.

Clarke snorts in amusement as she sees Lexa smile. She stands up on her toes slightly as she pecks her wife’s lips. Lexa had to leave almost at 5 in the morning today since she was the on-call trauma surgeon today.

“For the last time, I didn’t jinx anything. I was saying that it wasn’t a slow day.” Raven huffs in annoyance as the rest of them laugh.

“How is your day?” Clarke asks Lexa as they start walking, leaving behind a defensive and annoyed Raven and a grinning Luna.

“Drunk driver. Went straight into a pole. He made it through.” Lexa says as Clarke grimaces. “How about you?” 

“I’m about to go on rounds. I have a couple of surgeries today but I’m in a good mood so maybe I’ll let Costia operate.” Clarke replies with barely hidden excitement.

“You and your undying love for Costia. Should I be afraid?” Lexa asks while grinning widely.

Clarke mock-glares at Lexa. “I don’t love her. I’ve never seen a student with such potential before.”

Lexa shrugs at that. 

“What? You think someone is more talented than Costia?” Clarke asks Lexa, surprised and amazed.

Costia Prior was one of the most talented residents she had ever seen. Granted she hadn’t been teaching for a long time but from her own residency and experience, she knew Costia was very gifted.

“Of course.” Lexa says as if it wasn’t important. But Clarke wasn’t willing to let it go.

Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and brings her to a stop. Lexa swirls around wearing a small smile.

“You’re jealous aren’t you?” Lexa says as her smile grows even wider.

Of course Clarke was jealous. Who the hell was better than her student?

Reading the answer very clearly on her face, Lexa laughs out loud. “I never thought that day would come where Clarke Griffin fought for her students.”

Clarke glares at her now. “Are you going to tell me or not?”

Lexa fakes thinking for a couple of seconds and then responds with a “No.”

“Lexa!” Clarke shouts.

She just shrugs innocently, a smile still playing on her lips. Clarke wants to kiss the smirk off. And she would have if they weren’t surrounded by people.

“There are very few things that get you excited as Costia does. I think I’m going to use this information for later.” Lexa winks and Clarke can feel heat building up in her lower stomach.

She blushes but still glares at Lexa. “Did you just blackmail me? For sex?” Clarke says with a faux gasp.

The smile from Lexa’s face falls off and is replaced by an innocent expression. Her eyes however still glint with mischief and fun.

She brings her hand to her heart with a fake hurt expression. “Dr.Griffin! How could you?” She wears an annoying smirk.

Clarke reluctantly smiles at Lexa and says “You just said you’re withholding information for sex.”

Lexa narrows her eyes before saying “I’m pretty sure those aren’t my words.”

Oh that smirk. Clarke breaks.

“Fine. Tonight.” She says with determination. “You’re telling me tonight.”

Lexa scrunches up her face in disgust. “Ugh. Scheduled sex? When did we become those people? Whatever happened to spontaneity?”

Clarke raises her eyebrows. “You literally said that you didn’t ask for sex.”

Lexa grins again. “Again. I never said that.”

“Lexa,----”

She’s interrupted by her pager going off. Including Lexa’s. Multiple traumas on the way.

She and Lexa share a smirk and then smile when they hear Raven’s indignant shout “It wasn’t me!”

As they start to walk towards the ER, Lexa asks Clarke “What were you and Raven talking about before? It looked serious.”

Clarke laughs. “Not serious. We just noticed something weird.”

“Where?” The ER is already crowded with people and knowing Lexa, Clarke knew it wasn’t too long before her wife became the stoic and unrelenting leader of the ER. After all Lexa is the head of trauma.

“With Octavia. I’ll tell you later.” Clarke says vaguely with a smile as she kisses her wife. “Now, let’s go save some lives.” She says as she snaps on a pair of gloves.

\----------------

One surgery, one assist and 6 hours later, Lexa was walking back to the ER when she runs into Raven.

“Woods!” Raven exclaims when she sees her.

“Raven.” Lexa acknowledges her with a slight dip of her head. She grabs a few papers on the desk as Raven lounges comfortably in her chair with her injured leg up on the desk.

Raven catches her looking at it and immediately removes it. As if Lexa had caught her in a vulnerable moment.

“All done?”

Lexa nods. “The Michaels are in recovery. You did well to find the source of the bleed in Mr.Michael.”

Raven shrugs, acting nonchalant even though Lexa can tell she is proud.

“Mrs.Mainson didn’t make it.”

Raven groans sympathetically. “She looked pretty bad when she came in.”

“Yeah. I thought she’d pull through but Octavia said there was too much trauma.”

“How do you know so much?” Raven asks irritated and annoyed at the same time. “You were in surgery.”

Lexa shrugs. “Isn’t it my responsibility to know what happens to everyone who enters my ER?”

Raven groans looking annoyed. “You suck, Woods.” She’s definitely impressed. Lexa laughs.

“Where’s Luna?” She asks as she starts to signs off on some of the files.

“Subdural hematoma. Went in an hour ago.”

Lexa moves away some of the files from the desk and says “Thanks to you. We had a fun day.”

“Don’t you dare!” She laughs at Raven’s growl.

“How was I supposed to know that there would be a car crash today?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. More like you jinxed it.”

“So if I hadn’t jinxed it, Michael wouldn’t have lost control of his car and rammed into 2 other cars?”

Lexa fakes being in thought for a couple of seconds before she smirks and says “Yeah, pretty much that.”

Raven throws her hand up in the air. “I’m done here.” And she walks away from Lexa.

Laughing Lexa goes back to some of the other files when she hears her pager beep.

It’s from Clarke asking her to meet her at the second floor east wing. Wondering what it could possibly be about, she sets the files apart and starts to walk.

Thinking back to the earlier conversation with Clarke, Lexa couldn’t help but smile. Clarke was by far the most talented residents she had ever seen.

Of course her wife trumped Costia. But she was really enjoying irritating Clarke. She was happy. Content. And she loved her life. She couldn’t ask for anything better.

Actually she knew what would make things better but she promised Clarke that she wouldn’t push her. She wanted to give her all the time and space to be ready for the conversation again.

She had tried talking to Clarke about her dream of having kids 3 years ago and Clarke had all but run away from her. As if her nightmare had come true. She was hurt then. Very hurt when Clarke left suddenly but then when Clarke came back, she had assured her of a ‘someday’.

Maybe that ‘someday’ was close. But as promised, Lexa had given Clarke lot of time. 3 years and Clarke was yet to approach her but having kids. She was patient, though. She knew Clarke would eventually overcome her fears and talk to her about it.

She was waiting.

She turns the corner of the east wing when she catches sight of her wife, leaning against the wall looking at her phone.

“Hey.” Lexa calls out and Clarke looks up from her phone. She smiles when Clarke’s face immediately transforms into a bright smile. Her insides were already jelly and she wasn’t even near Clarke.

“Hey, you.” Clarke drawls with a smirk and Lexa immediately knows that her wife is up to something.

Ignoring the obvious and wanting to further annoy Clarke, Lexa smiles and says “How was your surgery?’

While Lexa had completed 2 surgeries, she knew Clarke’s would take longer. As cardio surgeries usually do.

“A bar impaled in the diaphragm. He’s fine now.” Clarke replies haughtily and Lexa raises her eyebrows.

“Sounds complicated.”

“You know me.”

Lexa’s insides were all but liquid as she listens to her wife’s cocky voice. She was the one who normally used it and Clarke loved it. Rarely did Clarke take the upper hand but when she did, Lexa enjoyed every single second of it.

She stops pretending. “So what’s this all about? Don’t you have patients to monitor?”

Clarke grins at her smugly and for some reason Lexa feels a spark right in her lower stomach. Heat pools there and Lexa tries not to show the affect her wife is having on her.

She starts to walk away from Lexa without saying another word and Lexa follows her mutely.

Clarke turns left and enters a room. Lexa laughs out loud when she sees it’s an on-call room.

“Clarke! Really? In a middle of emergency?”

Clarke merely pulls her into the call room and shuts the door. She presses Lexa against the door and she can feel the heat increase in the bottom of her stomach.

She comes and presses impossibly closer to Lexa, her body fitting perfectly against Lexa’s. She brings her lips near Lexa’s ear lobe and bites gently.

Lexa loses the smile on her face as an involuntary moan slips out of her. And somewhere from the haze of her mind, she can hear the lock clicking as Clarke locks the door.

“You asked for spontaneity. You got it.” Clarke’s normally vibrant blue ones are totally gone, replaced by black.

\------------------

“That was totally blackmail.” Lexa pants harshly as she comes down from her extraordinary high.

Clarke lays almost on Lexa with her head tucked comfortably between Lexa’s shoulder and head breathing her in. Their legs are intertwined as both of them lay comfortably on the small on-call room bed.

Lexa’s entire body vibrates with Clarke’s laughter and she feels hot again.

“I didn’t know you could beg so much.” Her neck tingles when Clarke talks. She blushes and feels heat pooling again.

Lexa huffs in protest while she does nothing to counter what Clarke said. Her wife removes her head from Lexa’s neck and looks at her with a grin.

“Growing old, Woods?” She grins when she sees Lexa still breathing heavily (no thanks to her).

Lexa’s peeved voice is like music to Clarke’s ears. “You blackmailed me into giving you the name before you let me…..” Lexa’s voice gradually fades out and that makes Clarke laugh even more.

“I thought you’d be more of a sport, Woods. You really are getting old.”

“You didn’t believe me!” Lexa protests.

Clarke grins cockily at that. She tucks her head back in Lexa’s neck and she bites softly. Lexa moans softly and one of her hands came around her waist and pulls Clark’s body even closer.

“Sorry.” Clarke says not apologetic at all. “I thought you were just screaming my name.”

And this finally gets a reaction out of Lexa. She flips them effortlessly and Lexa looms over Clarke with a predatory grin.

“And now I believe it’s my turn.”

\----------------

Clarke and Lexa walk towards Raven and Octavia.

“Where were you?” Raven asks Clarke once they spot Lexa and her.

“Ummm…around I suppose.” Clarke tries to hide a grin but it’s in vain. “Why? What’s up?”

Octavia looks at Lexa and Clarke for a second before she gasps. “You did it! In the middle of the emergency.”

“What? No, we didn’t.” Clarke scoffs and tries to pretend otherwise.

Raven grins. “Tell that to the vampire who attacked Lexa.” Octavia laughs and Lexa slaps a hand to neck immediately trying to feel for a sore spot and trying to conceal it.

Octavia laughs even louder as Clarke sheepishly says “Other side babe.”

Lexa blushes and glares at Clarke the same time.

“Well, looks I have to go somewhere.” Lexa says with faux anger before she places a kiss on Clarke’s lips and turns around to go to her locker.

“You always find new ways, Griffin.” Raven says with admiration while Clarke does a bow.

“A girl’s gotta what she's gotta do to.” She says with a grin before saying “Anyways, what’s up?”

“Nothing. Just wondering where you were.” Octavia says while Raven looks at her with a smirk and Clarke knows what’s happening.

“So…..We didn’t want to tell anyone.” Octavia starts hesitantly while fiddling with her fingers. Wow. She really must be nervous. “But ummm I really want to tell you guys.”

Clarke moves closer to Octavia.

“I’m pregnant.”

And in the 2 seconds following the announcement, there’s pin drop silence followed by a huge whoop. Raven.

“Oh my God!” Clarke almost shouts.

Raven moves forward and gives Octavia a huge hug. Clarke stands there observing them, wearing a large smile on her face.

Once Raven steps back, Clarke hugs Octavia tightly and they stay like that for a few seconds.

“How long?”

“I took a test couple weeks ago.” Octavia smiles widely with tears in her eyes, her joy and happiness barely contained.

“Were you trying?” Clarke asks while Octavia shakes her head quickly.

“Came as a huge shock to the both of us. But we’re really happy to take the next step.” Clarke feels a slight twinge of discomfort when she hears that but she ignores it and concentrates on her friend’s happy news.

“Congrats O! I’m really happy for you.” Clarke says genuinely and pulls O into another hug.

“So just a month old and already controlling mama?” Raven remarks and Octavia’s grin disappears followed by confusion.

Clarke laughs knowing exactly what she was talking about.

“You were teaching O! That’s how we suspected.” Raven says with a grin while Octavia blushes.

“Hey! I teach all the time.” She says with mock intensity.

“Yeah, you do. But the other person almost always ends up crying.” Raven grins and this time she receives Octavia’s proper, scary glare.

“O, what Raven is trying to say is that it looks good on you. A mother.” Clarke says with a gentle smile.

Octavia looks at the both of them, gratitude clearly showing on her face. “Thanks guys.”

Clarke sympathetically lays her hand on Octavia’s shoulder knowing what she was going through. Octavia had didn't want kids either. Like Clarke. She was a foster child and the only reason she was in this position today was because of her elder brother, Bellamy Blake.

He had fought tooth and nail to ensure that Octavia’s life had some semblance of normalcy and Clarke knew that Octavia wouldn’t be here if not for Bellamy. Clarke had only met Octavia on the first day of her intern.

Octavia had met Lincoln during their third year of residency, a year before she met Lexa and started to date him. She got married at the start of her final year of residency and 2 years later, she is pregnant.

Clarke knew Octavia had found her happiness after years and years of loss and sadness and she was so happy for Octavia. She deserved it.

Raven’s was a different story entirely. Raven is Clarke’s sibling. Almost. She had been with Clarke ever since the start of high school when Raven’s mom died. She was a drunk and it got to her sooner rather than later.

Rather than letting Raven enter the foster system, the Griffins took their daughter’s best friend under their wing. And despite Raven’s slight foray into engineering during college, Raven and Clarke found themselves at the same medical school.

“This calls for a celebration. Come on.” Raven says enthusiastically before dragging Clarke and Octavia along with her.

\-----------------

“Lex?” Clarke calls out as she enters their apartment.

“In here.” Lexa calls out from the kitchen where the smell of food activated her taste buds and made her mouth water.

She walks into the kitchen and sees Lexa wearing a casual T-shirt and jeans. Her wife looked incredibly good. So good, Clarke actually begins to wonder how she had managed to land her.

She drops her bag clumsily on the dining table before walking to Lexa and slowly circling her arms around her wife’s waist. She presses her face between Lexa’s shoulder blades and inhales the familiar scent.

She feels Lexa lean back into her with a sigh and right now….Clarke feels at home. She’s happy. She has everything she needs. She ever will need.

Lexa fiddles with the stove before turning slowly in her wife’s arm before coming face to face with Clarke.

She leans down slowly and meets Clarke’s mouth half way. As the kiss deepens, Lexa’s hands comes around Clarke’s waist to pull her closer. Clarke sighs into kiss unable to hide her smile.

When her teeth clashes with Lexa’s, Lexa pulls back slowly. Her forest green eyes full of adoration and love and Clarke feels weak when she sees the emotion in her eyes.

Lexa licks her lips and Clarke follows it all with her eyes.

“You taste like beer.” Lexa frowns and pulls back slightly to look at Clarke clearly. “Are you drunk?”

Clarke shakes her head. “No no. We went out to celebrate.” She says with a small smile before she pulls back.

Lexa smiles. “What’s the occasion?” She places a glass full of water in front of Clarke who looks at her questioningly.

“You’re drunk, Clarke.” Lexa laughs and her lower stomach coils with the beautiful sound.

“I’m not. Not as drunk as you think I am.” Clarke adds when she sees Lexa’s unmoving stare.

When Lexa doesn’t budge, Clarke obediently drinks the water. Lexa waits till Clarke drinks it all and asks “What was the occasion?”

“Octavia’s pregnant.” She says with a smile.

Lexa’s mouth goes into a surprised ‘O’ before it’s replaced by a smile as well. “Hey! That’s great news.”

Clarke grins. “Yeah. She and Lincoln didn’t want anyone to know but I think she found that we suspected.”

Clarke moves towards to Lexa and pulls her closer with hands on her waist.

“You knew?”

“Nah. Not exactly. She was acting different. Raven told me that she was teaching properly.”

Lexa laughs at that. But before she can reply, Clarke’s lips cover her own.

Their kiss is soft, slow and so full of emotion. Lexa’s hands come up to cup Clarke’s face. Their lips move in sync as they get lost in the feeling. Lexa’s thumb strokes her cheekbone gently and Clarke tightens her grip on Lexa’s waist.

Clarke is the first to pull back this time. Lexa blinks as she pulls back. She smiles softly, her hands now playing with Clarke’s hair gently. Tucking the stray hair behind her ear.

“What was that for?”

Clarke smiles and raises her eyebrows. Lexa hastens to explain with a slight blush. “Not that I mind. I’m totally up for more kisses like that.”

Clarke laughs and says “You act all authoritative and cocky but you’re a nerd.”

Lexa takes a step back, fake indignation all over her face. Clarke just pulls her closer again with a laugh.

“And a baby.” She adds. Something flickers in Lexa's eyes but before she can find out more, it's gone. As soon as it came.

Lexa smirks at that. “I’m pretty sure a baby wouldn’t do the things I did to you today.”

A spark goes right to her centre and she tries not to think about the things they had done this afternoon. She knows she fails miserably when Lexa’s smirk becomes cockier and she blushes.

She sees her wife’s green eyes engulf in black as she surges down and kisses Clarke with subdued ferociousness.

She moans into the kiss and Lexa lowers her gently on to the floor, dinner all but forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first half of what happens. I wanted to split this into 2 parts- to show the before and after.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> Also a huge thanks to everyone for 10k hits. Please feel free to leave comments :) :)


	10. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Lexa's answer?
> 
> And some flashbacks.

She races through the hospital’s corridor as her pager keeps beeping incessantly. She pushes through a few people roughly and shouts a hasty “Sorry” as she runs to the ER.

Surprised grunts and annoyed shouts follow her as she hurries to get to the 911 call for her in Trauma room-1.

She reaches the ER and finds it relatively empty. A few residents and patients are bustling here and there but she sees nothing out of the ordinary.

Wondering who the patient might be, she dashes into the room.

“Are you serious?” She asks incredulously when she sees the people in the room. “I was in the middle of a fucking surgery.”

She’s shouting because frankly it’s unimaginable behaviour. Who would expect such things from attendings?

“I ran all the way here and I’m pretty sure Kane saw me running.” She snarls, annoyed when she sees that her words don’t seem to have any effect on them.

“I had to let Costia close cause my pager was going crazy. Turns out it’s only you two crazy idiots.”

Octavia and Raven share a look, looking entirely unapologetic and it just gets on Clarke’s nerves even more.

“I’m 7 months pregnant and carrying your godchild. I can’t keep following you around.” Octavia says with a shrug while Raven continues to simply look at her.

“Don’t! Don’t play the pregnancy card on me.” She says as Octavia shrugs again.

“We had to do something to get you to talk to us.”

Clarke takes a step back, planning on leaving the room all together when Raven says “Don’t you dare!”

“It’s been a week. What the fuck happened?” Octavia asks Clarke but this time there’s an unmistakable softness to it.

Clarke stiffens immediately. She starts to move towards the door when Raven shouts “Stop!”

“What?” Her throat is staring to close up and she doesn’t know how she manages to get the words out.

“You know what.” Raven’s voice reaches her this time and she thinks she’d prefer them being impassive rather than being sympathetic.

“It’s been three days since Jake and Abby left for home. You didn’t even come say goodbye.”

Clarke shakes her head. “I talked to them.” Add them to the list of things she’s hurting.

“Dude! Something happened. What did? Tell us. We can help.”

Clarke needs to leave the room. Her throat has closed entirely and she can’t get anything out. Something is tugging at her chest and she rubs her hands over the spot trying to lessen the pain.

Octavia and Raven follow her movement and Clarke thinks she won’t be able to breathe anymore when she sees their faces transform into one of raw sympathy.

She wants to fall. But she can’t. Not here. Not at work. She’s not sure she’ll ever let herself fall because she knows it’s almost impossible to find her way back.

“I can’t.” She manages to choke out and before her friends can stop her, she’s out the door.

She’s running again. But this time she doesn’t know where she is going. Cause no matter where she goes, the ghost is always there. Ghosts of her past.

\----------------

**5** **days ago-**

_“Do you want to be with me or not, Lexa?”_

Clarke thinks she’s going to be sick when she sees Lexa stand there still. Not saying anything.

When the silence has gone on for long enough, she steps forward hesitantly.

Lexa’s eyes follow her movements cautiously, her body still frozen and face looking utterly defeated.

When she thinks she’s all but drowned in the fucking silence, Lexa says “Does it matter to you?”

And that was not what she was expecting. Maybe a ‘No’ would have hurt less.

No. No. It would definitely have hit her hard. But now she’s puzzled. What in the world was Lexa talking about? Lexa still has her guard up and it hurts her yet again that they need walls when they were with each other.

As Clarke gapes at Lexa open mouthed, Lexa explains. “You said you didn’t want to give me a divorce when I first asked you.”

Clarke looks exasperated. She literally answered the same question a few seconds ago. Maybe it’s Lexa’s way of letting Clarke prepare for the final blow.

“What?” That’s all Clarke manages to get out from all the thoughts and emotions she’s going through.

What would she do if Lexa says that she doesn’t want to be with her? Wouldn’t it just be starting from scratch?

Does she even want to start from the beginning?

Confusion, anger and misery.

The emotions by themselves were pretty simple but they were so convoluted for her; she was pretty sure she was confused, angry and sad at Lexa. Just like she was at herself.

“I told you I don’t love you anymore.” Sharp pain- some sort of a tug in her chest. And here she was thinking she was numb to it all. She was prepared. A part of Clarke mentally scoffs at herself.

“Yeah.” Clarke’s voice breaks but she still manages to sound sarcastic. Her head is so full of thoughts and her chest feels like its bursting.

But did stopping all that meant losing Lexa? Did she want to lose Lexa? Or had she already lost Lexa?

“And you said you weren’t going to give me a divorce then.” Lexa takes a deep breath as if she’s preparing to spit something out. “Why would what I have to say even matter to you now?” Lexa sounds bitter and Clarke feels herself cave a little bit more into herself.

Something settles heavily in her stomach and Clarke realises Lexa’s not talking about the divorce.

\---------------

Clarke manages to run into the one person she didn’t want to. Really didn’t want to.

“Dr.Griffin! Why were you running like that?” Kane’s disapproving voice cuts through her thoughts.

“Dr.Kane, I’m sorry. I was being paged to the ER.”

Kane's frown deepens. “Then what are you doing here?”

Clarke stutters, not wanting to throw her friends under the bus. “They----they took him to surgery.” She lies.

Kane nods and Clarke releases a sigh hoping that the interrogation was done.

“Walk with me, Clarke?” Kane says gently, a few seconds later. Clarke knows she felt relieved way too early. Something’s up especially because Kane just used her first name. Clarke feels uneasy. But Clarke just nods mutely and starts to walk with Kane.

“I’ve noticed that you’ve been on-call for the past 72 hours.” Kane starts and Clarke knows that it’s not true. But she’s not going to correct him.

She’s been in the hospital for 5 days- barely sleeping in the on-call rooms and managing to survive on junk food.

Clarke doesn’t say anything. Kane is merely stating a fact and she wasn’t going to correct him.

When Clarke doesn’t reply, Kane sighs and says “You should go home, Clarke.”

And the very fact that Kane uses a fatherly tone with her, gets on her nerves. She already has a father. She doesn’t need another one.

“Okay, _Dr.Kane_.” She says heavily stressing on his last name and Kane just sighs again.

“Look, Abby asked me to keep an eye on you. And…” Kane trails off looking uncomfortable.

“And?”

“You’re not doing well, Clarke. You haven’t gone home in 3 days. You’ve logged in 72 hours of continuous work and forgive me, but you look like hell.”

Clarke looks at him in surprise while Kane looks concerned. She’s going to snap. She’s going to snap if she’s going to get another sympathetic look. Cause no one understands what she’d going through. And everyone was acting like they did.

She’d really prefer it if she didn’t lose her temper on Kane. And to hell with her mother. Never directly telling her anything and just making sure Clarke was behaving appropriately through other people.

The sane part corrects her. Her parents have been trying to get in touch with her for the last 3-4 days. She’s been avoiding them.

Just like she’s ignoring the rational part of her. She doesn’t want to confront it. Not yet.

“With all due respect, Clarke, go the hell home.” He says strictly but his look of concern still hasn’t gone. “I don’t want to see you here for another 3 days or so.”

He waits till she nods before walking away. Of course she wasn’t going to listen to Kane.

What he didn’t understand was it was no longer home. She didn’t know what was home anymore.

\---------------

**5 years ago-**

“Look Griffin, you haven’t been on trauma rotation for more than a month. For the next week, you’ll be working in trauma.” Her chief resident says.

“But----”

“No buts.” He cuts right through her lie. “You’re only a 4th year resident. You cannot specialize yet.” His tone leaves no room for argument. He also seems entirely unbothered by the glare Clarke throws at him.

Clarke sulks on her way back to the lockers.

When Octavia sees her, she immediately grins. “So were you able to convince Martin to remove you from trauma?”

She knows Octavia can read it from her body language. Why did she even have to ask it?

She groans as she sits down and cradles her head in her hands. Raven sees this and says “Come on dude! Lexa’s not that bad.”

“Why don’t you want to work with her, Clarke?” Octavia says sitting next to Clarke. Raven sits on Clarke’s other side while they wait patiently for Clarke’s answer.

Clarke looks up at that. She hasn’t told them why she’s been avoiding Lexa. She’s managed to keep it from them for more than 2 weeks. She knows she’s going in for a good scolding even now but…

“She asked me out.” Clarke says with a small voice, her guts churning when she thought back to that moment.

“Oh my god!” Raven shouts. “When?”

“And more importantly what did you say?” Octavia asks.

Clarke sighs again. “A couple of weeks ago. She----”

“A couple weeks?” came Raven’s indignant question. Clarke almost smiles. She would have smiled if she didn’t have to worry about how she was going to face Lexa in the next 5 minutes.

Sure, she had seen Lexa around. It was impossible not to see each other. But she made sure never to be alone with Lexa. She was always with another attending or with the other residents. Because if it had anything to do with the way Lexa smirked and smiled at her, she knew Lexa still hadn’t given up.

And Clarke knew she had to eventually confront both Lexa and her feelings. And according to her chief resident, it was today.

“Yeah, it wasn’t that important.” Clarke lies blatantly.

Raven and Octavia, unfortunately for her, see right through her bullshit. While Raven glares at her, Octavia stares at her as if she’s waiting for something else.

When she realises what Octavia’s waiting for, she says “I said no.”

A shove from Raven and she almost falls onto Octavia. “Why dumbo? You like her. She likes you. Why did you say no?”

Clarke stands up, grabbing her coat and her stethoscope before hanging it around her neck. She grabs her notepad from her locker before shoving it in her coat pocket.

“I don’t like her.” She repeats. Something’s she’s been doing for the past two weeks. Because for some reason, Lexa was always on her mind- when she ate, when she didn’t work, when she was at work and when she went to bed.

All the time.

“Dude come on!” Raven groans but Clarke starts to walk away.

It’s not a few seconds later O and Raven join her. “That explains why you’ve been moping away to glory these days.”

“I haven’t been moping around.” Clarke says indignantly, glaring at Octavia.

“Why did you say no?”

Clarke huffs and stops walking. “I don’t want to date anyone at work. Not after what happened with Finn.”

Octavia shrewdly steps in. “Did you mention Finn to her?”

“No.” Clarke almost shouts. “Of course not. I just told her that I don’t date anyone at work.”

Octavia takes a few seconds to respond. “You know before when we met Lexa? And I asked you not to chase her away?” Clarke nods, wondering where all this was going. “I was kidding. You didn’t chase Collins away.” Octavia says but even she sounds unconvinced.

Clarke just shakes her head, turning to look at Raven. She was being suspiciously quiet since they had left the locker room.

Octavia also just seemed to notice Raven’s uncharacteristic behaviour. Clarke’s stomach immediately sinks when Raven’s face transforms into a sheepish one.

“What did you do?” She almost groans and even Octavia looks surprised.

“Ummm…it’s not nothing important. I----”

“Ah! There you are, Dr.Blake. Let’s go.” Someone says and Octavia immediately straightens. It’s Luna.

Octavia says “You’re catching me up later.” hurriedly before she runs to Luna.

But Clarke had noticed something else. Raven was blushing. When Luna had approached them and asked for Octavia. It snaps into place all of a sudden and she gasps in surprise. “You’re dating Luna?”

Raven grimaces. “Dating is a stretch. It’s more like friends with benefits.”

“Friends with benefits?” Clarke repeats blankly, amusement slowly replacing her dread. “You’re friends with Luna?”

Raven shrugs this time. “Not really no. It’s pretty much sex.” She grins and Clarke can’t help but wonder about Raven’s bravery. Though to be honest, Clarke did do the same thing with Finn.

“Since when?”

“A week or so.” Raven says with a grin and all Clarke can say is “Wow”

And after a few seconds, she says “You move fast, Reyes.”

Raven smirks this time. “I did. Did you see her? Of course I had to.” Clarke laughs.

“So anyways what were you saying before Luna came?” Clarke asks Raven as they both make their way to the ER.

Raven’s blissful look slips immediately and the worry seeps back into Clarke. Somehow she knew it had something to do with her. “Oh my god! What did you do?”

“Look it’s no biggie….” Raven hastens to explain when she hears Clarke’s groan. “I didn’t think it was important till now. You know till you told about the recent developments."

“Recent developments?” Clarke asks in surprise. In the 15 years she knew Raven- that word- never used before.

“Please promise me you won’t be mad.”

“I’m not promising anything until you say what you did.”

“Okay…I think I’m exaggerating. It’s not that----”

“Tell me. It’s got to do something with Lexa right?” Clarke snarls and Raven visibly shrinks.

Clarke groans yet again when she gets the quiet nod.

“What happened? She’s going to be here anytime. Tell me now.” Clarke grabs Raven’s arm and brings her to a stop.

“Okay so I didn’t realise the importance of what I leaked until you told me about you and Lexa.”

“There is no me and Lexa.” Clarke shrieks.

“Ahhhh….just shut up and listen. You’re making it tough for me. So basically there was some pillow talk.” Raven says sheepishly and Clarke wants to tease her for it. But she’s in a hurry.

“So I might have mentioned why there was a vacancy for a trauma attending.”

“You told her about Finn?” People were staring at her now.

“In my defence, we were just talking about my life before we----”

“Wait, I thought you said it was only sex?”

Raven blushes and beyond Clarke’s slightly annoyed and worried feelings, she’s happy for Raven because it’s obviously more than she is letting on.

“Again, Clarke, do I even want to know how you and Finn worked?” Raven wonders with a smirk. “What just bang bang and then bye?” Raven makes a weird slapping sound with her palms and Clarke shoves her hands away.

Clarke shrugs because that’s exactly how it was with Finn. He wanted more than just sex and Clarke didn’t want that. She was perfectly fine with how things were going.

Raven shakes her head in amazement. She’s known Clarke for a long time and she doesn’t understand why Raven’s so surprised by her choices and actions.

“So in short, Luna knows about Finn and why he left?” A nod.

“And you think she might have told Lexa?” A shrug.

“So if Lexa knows you think she’ll just leave me alone.” A strong shake of her head.

Clarke groans for the 5th time that morning and her shift hadn’t even started yet. What the fuck was she going to do?

\---------------

**4 days ago-**

The only shut eye Clarke manages to get in more than 36 hours is interrupted by her phone ringing.

Her eyes are dry and it annoys the fuck out of her when they automatically close as she reaches for her phone.

“Hello?” She croaks out without bothering to check the screen when she answers.

“Clarke!”

Her eyes are wide open, all traces of sleepiness gone.

“Anya?”

“Where’s Lexa?” Everything she’s bottled up these last 2 days is all in the open. Again.

Anya sounds concerned.

“She’s at home?” She immediately regrets framing it as a question and she can almost feel Anya’s frown.

“I’m at the hospital. She’s not here.” Clarke corrects herself immediately. But she knows it wasn’t enough judging by Anya’s next question.

“Did you guys talk?” Anya’s hesitant question freezes her.

Her sleep deprived brain, her hurting heart and her annoyance at being woken in general gets the better of her. “Why the fuck do you care?” She snarls.

There’s no reply from Anya’s end for a few seconds. Knowing that she’s crossed all the boundaries with her sister-in-law, she starts to talk.

“Look, Lexa might be----” 

“I’m sor---” Anya says.

Both stop talking immediately when they hear the other. Clarke recovers first and smoothly pretends she didn’t hear Anya.

“I’ll look around here. See if she’s in surgery or something and ask her to contact you.”

There’s a sigh and then a “Thanks.” before Anya hangs up.

\----------------

“How is he?” Clarke asks Costia as she sees her standing outside the ICU. Costia wordlessly hands over the tablet.

“Good.” She takes another look at the vitals before she hands over the tablet back to Costia.

“What was the emergency?” Costia asks curiously and Clarke shrugs nonchalantly.

“Nothing. They took care of it.”

Then after a few seconds comes a hesitant question just as she’s about to turn around and leave. “Where is Dr.Woods?”

Clarke turns around with a surprised frown. Costia hastens to explain. “It’s just that she hasn’t been around. And…the ER it’s a mess. That’s why.” She stutters, her cheeks a bright red.

Clarke almost, almost cracks a smile. But instead she shrugs again and says “She’s away on some personal matter.”

All Costia can say is an “Oh” before she quickly walks away. Frowning at the weird behaviour of her totally normal and sane resident, she starts walking away.

There’s still something heavy at the bottom of her stomach and she’s sure it won’t go away till she and Lexa schedule a visit with a therapist.

\---------------

**5 days ago-**

“Lexa, I love you….” Clarke hates the way her voice has taken up a pleading tone. She tries to correct it. “And you say you don’t.”

Clarke breathes in the frigid air and the cold air hurts her lungs and irritates her nose. Almost as if it’s burning its way through.

“But…but----” She stammers and hates herself for the way she’s behaving. Lexa’s there standing at her impassively and what Clarke would give to see the mask fall away.

“I don’t know whether I believe it or not. I don’t. It’s just that if I—if I don’t try to fix things with you, I’ll regret it forever.” Another deep breath and she ploughs on. “You had a dream and I wasn’t supportive of it. For a very long time.”

The mask is falling away and Clarke continues with a little bit more confidence and strength knowing she must be doing something right.

“I am now. But you aren’t.” Lexa start to say something but Clarke stops her. “Just—just please let me say this. I want to have kids with you. I want to see you console them when they are crying so hard because you’re a great mother. And I want that with you.”

Lexa starts to talk again. “Lexa, I know I’m late but please give us another go. Don’t give up on me so easily.” Her voice breaks and tears finally wet her cheeks. “Don’t give up on us so easily.”

\--------------

“Raven!” Clarke calls out as she sees Raven and Luna walk in front of her.

She turns around, astonishment in her features. And then immediately a smile comes on.

She then turns and looks at Luna who’s also staring at Clarke with an unreadable expression but she’ll take that any day over pity and sympathy. Raven says something to Luna and then Luna kisses Raven before she finally waves to Clarke and starts walking away from Raven.

Clarke joins Raven who’s waiting patiently for her. When Clarke reaches Raven, she asks “Where’s O?”

“She left a while ago. Said her back was killing her.” Raven says sympathetically.

Clarke nods and gets lost in her thoughts. How everything had gone downhill for her and Lexa ever since they found out that Octavia was pregnant.

It’s the block. It’s the block which is stuck at the bottom of her stomach for the past 5 days. And after being ambushed by Raven and Octavia, the stone just became heavier, which she didn’t think was possible.

She’s didn’t think a lot of things were possibly yet here she was.

“Where do you want to go? Your place?”

She shudders immediately. She thinks of all the things that had happened in the past week and she wants to throw up. That’s how close she came to lose two of the most precious things in her life.

She hasn’t been home in 5 days- ever since she and Lexa decided that they were going to try to fix things out.

Raven understands immediately. “Come on. My place.” She says and Clarke nods, hoping her face shows enough gratitude.

And as they are leaving the hospital in silence, it hits her. “Where’s Luna staying?”

“At her place.” A casual shrug from Raven but Clarke can sense the underlying stress.

And after a few seconds Clarke asks again, “Since when?”

Raven takes a few seconds to answer even though she understood what Clarke was talking about. “A couple weeks.”

Clarke hums in acknowledgement and they continue to walk in silence to the car park. Then Raven asks her, “Where’s Lexa? Is she ok--?”

Clarke doesn’t let her finish the question. She quickly shakes her head. “She’s okay, I guess. I haven’t really—umm, talked to her. I just know she’s having some family emergency.”

“Family?” Raven frowns heavily.

The block just slides down even deeper and it feels so heavy, she almost stops walking And talking. And breathing. Her throat constricts again knowing why exactly she was reacting this way.

Because the only family Lexa had said she had was Clarke. And when Lexa came to know that her dad, Titus, had fallen down a flight of stairs and was in surgery, she left. Clarke had offered to go along with her to New York but Lexa had politely turned her down. Lexa had said that Clarke's parents were still in Boston and that it wouldn’t be nice of her to drag Clarke along when her father had just had a heart-attack.

It felt like dominoes to her. One piece fell and all the others kept falling around her. She didn’t know when it would finally reach her.

“Yeah. Titus fell down and broke his head.” She says and Raven lets out a sudden laugh.

“Sorry. It just felt like you weren’t a doctor when you said that.”

Clarke shrugs, feeling anger course through her momentarily. “He said he'd leave Lexa out of his will if she married me.”

And look how that turned out. She feels the sharp tug in her chest yet again and the tugs irritated her more than pained her.

“I remember. He’s an ass.” Raven says lightly, knowing fully well the stormy expression on Clarke’s face bode nothing but worse moments to come.

As Raven gets into her car, Clarke quietly takes her seat next to Raven, ignoring her rational side trying to talk to her yet again.

It’s only when she notices Raven’s sigh does she snap out of her thoughts.

“Are you okay?” She whispers slightly when she notices Raven’s hand grip the steering wheel tightly.

“Yeah. I—just feel incredibly stupid. It’s been a long----”

“Not that long. Hardly a year ago.” She says in a soft voice, guilt almost twisting her insides out. And the block in her stomach was most certainly not helping matters.

“Clarke, it’s not your fault.” Raven says. When Clarke tries to interrupt, she shakes her head firmly and says “It’s all the guy who rammed into us. What the hell could you have done?”

It sounded mundane to her ears. That’s because it was. She’s heard it so many times from everyone. Every single person convincing her that she could have done nothing when a drunk driver had rammed into their car from behind while Clarke was driving.

Clarke in a moment of pure panic had turned her wheel to avoid colliding with the car in front of her. It wasn’t enough. Raven was sitting next to her. While Clarke’s side had avoided major damage, Raven’s side was wrecked completely when their car crashed into the car in front of them. Clarke escaped with a mild concussion, Octavia escaped unhurt but Raven’s leg was fractured in 3 places – all below her left knee.

“Clarke, come back!” Raven’s voice interrupts her thoughts and she sighs and gazes out of her window.

Raven switches on the radio and Clarke knows Raven’s throwing her concerned looks. But she doesn’t look Raven’s way and gazes outside the window at the half-snowy, half-wet streets of Boston.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were a lot of flashbacks and I hope it wasn't too confusing. If it was...here goes
> 
> Its 5 days since Clarke asking Lexa whether she wants to be with her or not. They decide to go to therapy to work out their differences but before they can make an appointment, Lexa's dad has an accident and she leaves to NY. This happens just after they had their talk. So Clarke hasn't called Lexa after that, waiting for her to come back to regain some normalcy.
> 
> In the 5 years ago part, it basically revolves around how Lexa finds out that Clarke is just making excuses not to go on a date with her.
> 
> This is pretty much it and I hope this clears your confusion. If this still didn't help you, please leave a comment.
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.


	11. You & I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's POV and a few flashbacks.

**5 years ago-**

“For the last time, I’m not going to sleep with this Woods person.”

First time she lays eyes on her, she’s a goner. So naturally all she does is try to cover her craziness with abundance of grins and smirks just to irritate her and she loves it.

Because it works very well. She’s getting quite well on Clarke’s nerves and she enjoys getting reactions out of Clarke.

She catches Clarke staring at her multiple times but before she can approach her, she’s gone. But one day, she gets the chance.

Luna had just joined their hospital and the last time she had seen her was during med school.

So when she was giving Luna the customary tour (Kane had quite rudely handed Luna off to her), she saw Clarke, Octavia and Raven looking at them. Quite sneakily. And the tingling feeling in her stomach that she usually associated with Clarke was back with a vengeance.

“Of course she’s hot. But that doesn’t mean I should go out with her.” Clarke says her back turned to both Lexa and Luna, oblivious of their presence.

A grin automatically makes its way to her face. She doesn’t even try to hide it.

“Why, thank you, Dr.Griffin.” Lexa says cheekily as Clarke turns around immediately with an aghast expression.

Her stomach swoops when she meets the crystal blue eyes.

“Shame about not wanting to date you though.” Luna says with a laughing looking at Lexa but she has eyes only for Clarke who’s furiously blushing.

But she doesn’t look away or duck her head. Instead she looks at Lexa and says “Dr.Woods.” stiffly. Her grin just grows.

Raven and Octavia are snickering behind but Lexa’s still staring at Clarke. She sees something akin to determination flash in Clarke’s eyes and Lexa has no doubt Clarke is definitely thinking about giving them a piece of her mind.

She knows she should be offended by Clarke’s body language which is screaming extreme discomfort. But her eyes when they look at Lexa…they tell a different story. Almost as if she’s feeling happy. And that makes Lexa giddy.

“This is your new attending. Luna Brooks. Neurosurgeon.” Lexa says wanting to make Clarke feel a little more at ease about her slip-up.

More than grateful to move on, Clarke extends her hand. “Clarke Griffin.” Luna shakes her hand with a surprised and thoughtful expression.

“Ah, Griffin? Any connection to Abby Griffin?” Luna asks excitedly. After all Abby Griffin is one of the best neurosurgeons in the country. Lexa had suspected but she never asked Clarke.

And to Lexa’s surprise, she sees Clarke shrink. She knows Luna didn’t see it because she looks happy and oblivious to Clarke’s reaction.

Granted Luna had laid eyes on Clarke only a minute ago but Lexa took pride in the fact that she could understand Clarke’s emotions. Maybe it made her a bit of a creep but who cares?

“She’s my mother.” Clarke replies rather stiffly looking at Lexa.

“That’s nice. So we have royalty here.” Luna remarks good naturedly but Clarke reacts in a different manner yet again. She has a smile plastered on her face but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

Her eyes tell a different story. And when Clarke looks at Lexa, the smile also falls.

“Raven Reyes.” Raven steps forward to introduce herself to Luna but she’s still looking at Clarke. Maybe she shouldn’t stare but….

And then Clarke looks at her, eyes shining with something else. When she meets Lexa’s eyes again, the smile falls away replaced by a blush. So maybe she was doing something right.

“Octavia Blake.” Octavia introduces herself and then Luna asks them “So you’re all residents?”

“Yeah. 4th year.” Octavia says with a nod.

“Excuse me. I have a patient.” Clarke’s voice breaks the silence as she nods to Luna and Lexa before she enters the room on her right.

“Right. I think we should continue the tour.” Luna says with a smile as she looks at Lexa.

Lexa tries not to be too obvious as she says “I just remembered. I have to be elsewhere.” She’s not successful. Luna sees right through her. But she lets it go.

“So, Dr.Reyes, mind showing me around?” Luna says with a smirk which is mirrored on Raven’s eyes.

Lexa frowns momentarily, noticing the way Luna and Raven were behaving with each other. She also catches Octavia roll her eyes and she grins before they all start walking away, an unwilling Octavia looking like she’d be anywhere than third wheel.

As soon as they go out of Lexa’s sight, she takes a look into the room where Clarke was taking the vitals and talking to the patient.

She knew what she had to do. What was the harm in trying? After all, even if it didn’t work out, a few moments of priceless confusion and astonishment on Clarke’s face would make her feel better.

So Lexa waits beside the room waiting for Clarke to finish the examination before she can ask her out. She pulls out her phone and notices she has texts from her sister, Anya.

**Anya (8:00 am):** I don’t think I’m ever going to forgive you for leaving me alone with them.

**Lexa(9:30 am):** What happened today?

**Anya(9:31 am)** : The usual…

**Lexa(9:32 am):** Again? Even after I spent an entire week convincing them that I should move to Boston?

**Anya(9:32 am):** This is not the first time. I wouldn’t text you if they were complaining about it for the first time.

Lexa should feel bad for leaving New York. Leaving Anya with their parents who were all but ready to buy an attending position for her in NY, so that she wouldn’t move away.

She shudders thinking about what Anya was even going through without her. Titus Woods was one of the richest businessman in NY and for god knows what reason he wanted Lexa to continue working in NY.

**Lexa(9:34am):** Ignore them.

She sighs at her phone wondering how bad it could have been for Anya to text her when she sees Clarke step out of the room. She’s already walking away when Lexa hastens to catch up to her.

“Dr.Woods.” Clarke says but doesn’t stop walking.

“So you noticed that I was waiting for you.” She smirks and she knows she’s definitely doing something right.

Lexa notices that Clarke’s neck reddens slightly but it doesn’t reach her cheeks. Impressive.

“I didn’t know you were waiting for me.” Clarke says and Lexa knows she’s lying. She grins in response as Clarke comes to stop and faces Lexa with an irritated face.

Mission accomplished. She looks so cute grumpy and annoyed, Lexa almost wants to…She feels as if there are a lot more than butterflies flying around in her stomach.

“Go out with me.” It slips out. She wanted to irritate her even more before she popped the question but the effect that Lexa seems to have on Clarke works the other way around as well.

“What?” Clarke gasps, clearly not expecting that question. Something in Clarke’s eye makes Lexa stand up a bit taller.

“Yeah. I want to take you out on a date.” She says a bit more surely.

Clarke stutters over words and Lexa, for the world, can’t hide her happiness and amusement.

“Is that a yes or a no?”

Clarke exhales sharply and Lexa knows what’s coming.

“I’m really flattered, Dr.Woods. But I’m going to have to say no.”

Lexa smiles. She should have expected a sinking feeling but instead it wasn’t as if she had just been rejected. Something in Clarke’s eyes told her there was something else. Clarke reacted a certain way when she was around but it was as if her mouth had problems accepting that.

“Why not? You think I’m hot.” Lexa smirks and gestures at her body. Clarke follows her movements and immediately looks away when she’s staring.

Clarke blushes. “It was---it---it was unprofessional of me. I shouldn’t have said that.” Clarke stammers and looks away.

Lexa grins at that. “It’s the truth. And I’m glad you think so.”

Clarke’s mouth falls open at Lexa’s cockiness and from the way she was reacting, Lexa was sure Clarke loved it.

Then why was she saying no?

“You’re my attending, Dr.Woods. I’m your student. We can’t date.” Clarke says stiffly and Lexa catches a glimmer of regret before it disappears.

“That didn’t stop you and your friends from gawking at us just a few minutes before.” Lexa replies with a smirk and her smirk transforms to a grin when Clarke gasps.

“What?”

“I’d like to get to know you better, Clarke.”

The confusion, shock and astonishment all go away from Clarke’s face. Her blue eyes shine brightly and Lexa’s stomach turns when she sees Clarke look at her like that. But the moment is short (and sweet) because Clarke seems to snap out of her thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Dr.Woods. I don’t date anyone at work.” Clarke says confidently this time.

But Lexa remains undeterred. She says a “We’ll see. Just to help her cause (or not), she winks before Lexa walks away.

As soon as she’s quite a distance away, Lexa turns and looks at Clarke. Clarke, who was still staring at the floor as if she didn’t know what had just happened to her.

And that made Lexa’s resolve stronger. She was definitely going to go out with Clarke ‘doesn’t date anyone at work’ Griffin.

\--------------

She had called her once. As soon as she drove to New York, she called Clarke. But the way Clarke had talked to her, felt like a club to the head.

It was just a 20 second conversation. She called Clarke to let her know what happened with her dad but what she heard on the other side of the phone, tore her heart out. It would have but Lexa’s not sure when she lost her heart.

Was it a week ago? Was it when Jake almost died? Or was it when they had their horrible fight half a year ago?

She didn’t know and she felt like she didn’t want to know. Thinking about everything just seemed to hurt even more- even the hollow cavity of her chest. Because when she took her vows, the last thing she wanted to be doing, was to break it.

Just when she and Clarke had decided that they were going to therapy, Titus had to pull a stunt.

Not pull a stunt as much as break his head by falling down the stairs in his house.

_Don’t give up on me so easily. Don’t give up on us so easily._

Clarke’s words reverberate in her head and her heart aches. Aches so much more than when she found out her dad fell down and broke his head.

So did Humpty Dumpty. Lexa didn’t worry for him.

But Clarke…..

Despite what Clarke had said, Lexa knew, she knew that it was her mistake. She had decided for the both of them. She didn’t fight.

She’s broken a lot of promises. The most recent one after their fight half a year ago. But the one that hurt the most was the one she made to Jake.

_Just don’t give up on her easily, Lexa. Don’t give up on her._

But deep down, she knows. She’s angry. She didn’t make any decision lightly. She tried and tried only to be pushed away at each and every instant. She knew Clarke wasn’t the easiest person to be with but shouldn’t she get a fair share of her dreams? Was she asking for a lot?

As she walked towards her father’s room, she runs into an old friend.

“I’m sorry. Excuse – Lexa?”

“Hi Gustus.” Lexa says with a smile as she looks at the man towering over her. Despite all the bulk, his eyes gave away his gentleness.

“Wow! I didn’t expect to see you here. What are you doing?” Gustus frowns. “Is everything okay?”

Lexa waves a hand. “It’s Dad. He just had a surgery for subdural bleed.” At Gustus’s aghast expression, she continues. “He’s fine. He had it 3 days ago and he’s doing fine now.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I--”

“Nah, Gus. You didn’t know. It’s alright. I was just leaving. When does your shift get over? I’d really like to catch up.”

Gustus sports an apologetic expression. “I’m sorry. I’m actually working the night shift. I--”

“No worries. I’m gonna be here for another day or two. Let me know whenever you’re free.” Lexa says with a smile.

Gustus grins in return. “Definitely.” And before he walks away, he asks with a smile “How’s your wife? Clarke, right?”

Lexa manages to keep her smile intact just in the nick of time. “Yeah, Clarke. She’s doing great, Gus.”

She clearly manages to give nothing away because his smile widens as he waves and leaves Lexa again with her thoughts.

\----------------

**3 years ago-**

She had never before associated the feeling of apprehension and anxiety when she was about to meet Clarke. But, as she takes a deep breath and prepares to enter Clarke’s and her apartment, she thinks there’s a first time for everything.

“Clarke?” She calls out as she drops her keys in the bowl.

She hears the sound from the shower and she knows Clarke’s back home from the hospital.

It was a week ago when Kane had offered her the position. Head of Trauma. Which was something unknown and great for an attending with only four years of experience. She was incredibly happy and gushed about it to Clarke. But the reaction she received was like a punch to her gut.

It wasn’t as if Clarke hadn’t congratulated her or celebrated with her. It was more because there was something in Clarke’s eyes and Lexa knew she was holding back.

Lexa understood very well. She had to make the same decision to leave her family to work elsewhere and she went against her father’s wishes. She didn’t want to pressurise Clarke at all- not when these choices will affect her entire career. But she still hadn’t replied to Kane because she was waiting for Clarke.

But Clarke….she still hasn’t made a decision. Not about where she wanted to go and her boards were less than a week away.

She didn’t want to fight with Clarke. Not with her oral boards so close, but Lexa was human. Her insides were twisting more and more with worry each day.

She had made it very clear, a while ago, to Clarke that she was going to be there for the long haul. That she should decide where she wants to work all on her own. But Clarke was dragging her along and it made her feel like shit.

All Clarke had to do was ask. She just had to ask and Lexa would say yes no matter what.

“Hey! I didn’t hear you come in.” Clarke’s soft voice startles her and she jumps.

Lexa turns around and smiles at Clarke. “You were taking a bath. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

Clarke’s normally bright eyes were dull with exhaustion and the dark circles around her eyes indicated how much sleep she had gotten in the last couple of months.

“I would have loved it if you had joined.” Clarke says with a grin as she approaches Lexa and brings her in for a rather long kiss.

Lexa breaks the kiss a few seconds later and blinks. Her stomach was still doing cartwheels and she felt sated. Momentarily. Then it hits her hard and fast.

Clarke’s expression morphs into one of confusion and concern when she looks at Lexa. She immediately takes Lexa’s hand and Lexa holds on to it tightly.

“Lex? What is it?” Clarke asks but Lexa knows that she knows.

Lexa sighs heavily. She dreads this conversation and yet at the same time she wants to know what was going to happen to them.

“Clarke, have you decided?” Even before the question leaves Lexa’s mouth, Clarke’s guard is up. Her stomach drops unceremoniously to depths she didn’t know existed as Lexa tries to keep her face impassive.

And those 2 steps that Clarke takes away from her seems to be one of the longest gaps she’s ever had with Clarke. Her thuds against her ribs and she wills it to slow down.

“Look, I know I said I’ll give you space. And I’m not forcing you into anything. It’s – Kane is waiting for an answer. I’ve already delayed getting back to him. And --”

“I still haven’t decided, Lexa.” Clarke’s pained voice reaches her ears and almost all her resolve slips away.

Her shoulders drop in resignation and no matter how hard her brain tells her not to react this way, her heart doesn’t seem to be obeying instructions.

Then a few painful seconds later, Lexa says “Maybe I can help you with your final choices…” She offers carefully and watches as Clarke nods unsure.

“Please, Clarke. I need to…” Her voice trails off and her heart is beating so fast, she’s sure Clarke can hear hers.

“Okay.” Clarke finally relents. She looks very unhappy about the situation and Lexa almost wants to take it all back. Almost.

“Mayo, Stanford and John Hopkins.” Clarke says and there’s pin drop silence. Lexa’s sure even her heart stops beating. She doesn’t want to believe it.

“And….?” She prompts Clarke hoping that she’ll complete the list.

Clarke looks torn. As if she’s fighting some kind of a battle on the inside.

“No Boston?” Lexa asks to which Clarke shakes her head. She hasn’t looked into Lexa’s eyes for quite some time.

“No.” Clarke says and Lexa doesn’t know what to say.

“It’s not on your list?” Lexa’s stating the obvious. Because for the world of her, she didn’t think Boston wouldn’t be on the list.

Something cracks and she realises why Clarke had been stalling. She was leaving Boston.

“Why not? Is it because of the program? If it is, then I can assure you it’s the top--” Lexa starts to ramble but stops when Clarke finally looks at her with tears in her eyes.

She’s sure they’d been sitting here for hours before she asks “When were you planning on telling me?”

“I don’t know.”

Suddenly Lexa feels tired. Down to her very bone. And she snaps.

“Why not Boston?” Doesn’t Clarke get that this is their home? She’s not asking her to choose Boston. She’d never do that. Why didn’t she even consider it in her top-3?

Clarke brings her hands to hair and pulls at it almost as if she wants to tear it apart. “I….I just want to make a name for myself.”

“What?”

Clarke looks at Lexa annoyed as if it was the world’s most obvious answer.

“My mom, Lexa.” She says with a sigh.

Lexa frowns, still not getting the reason for the inclusion of Abby into their conversation.

Clarke frowns now and glares at Lexa. “I don’t want to be Abby Griffin’s daughter. I—I want to move out of her shadow.”

Lexa would have cracked a smile if she didn’t think the conversation was serious. “What are you talking about? Shadow?”

“It’s just that ever since I came here, it’s like I’m trying to compete with her. I can’t be my own person. I want to earn a name for myself. I don’t want hers.” Clarke says this all in a single breath as if it’s been torturing her for some time.

“What?” Lexa is now openly gaping at Clarke.

Clarke snaps. “Can you stop staring at me like that?” She huffs in anger and turns away. But Lexa’s faster.

She grips Clarke’s elbow and forces her to turn to look at her. It’s not pity. Its compassion.

“Clarke, you are one of the most talented residents I have ever met. You got into--”

“Yeah, I did. And that’s my hard work. Here….here I feel like I’m always in my mom’s shadow. I’ve never been able to stop judgement and comparison from others. I--”

“And that’s not going to stop anywhere you go. Your mom is a very famous and very gifted surgeon.” Clarke looks like she wants to snap. Lexa takes her hands in hers. “People will always compare you to your mother. That’s not going to go away. But when they do they will say how much you are like your mother.”

Clarke yanks away her hands from Lexa’s, looking as if she had been slapped. “I’m not my mom.” She says furiously.

Lexa closes the gap and takes Clarke’s hands back in hers. “You’re not. You are….” She takes a deep breath. “You are an amazing person. You are the most talented resident in this program and it’s because of that, that you’ve been offered fellowship programs from all over the country. You are your own person, Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyes mirror Lexa’s. They’re misty but they are still full of indecision. She’s still not managed to convince Clarke.

“I wish you saw yourself the way I see you.”

Lexa feels Clarke shut down even more and she’s not sure what she can do other than this.

“Boston’s fellowship program is not as good as Mayo’s.” Clarke says instead and Lexa sighs.

“Yeah. Yes, it’s not. But it’s been your home for 5 years. Our home.” Lexa says softly but it seems to hitting Clarke in a different manner.

“You said you won’t coerce me into choosing the hospital.” Clarke says stiffly and Lexa sighs again, her patience wearing thin.

“I’m not.” Lexa says shaking her head strongly. “I just want you to consider Boston as well. You have everything here and it’s not going to be easy uprooting anything.”

Clarke looks at her with something akin to disbelief and fear. And then a few seconds later, Clarke says “I think I got into this program because of my mother.”

It takes a few seconds to sink in. Lexa frowns. “Why would you think so?”

Clarke sighs and walks away from Lexa. Lexa watches as Clarke collapse on the couch while she takes a pillow and holds in very tightly to her chest as she answers. “Kane and my mom go a long way back. I think they did their residency together. My mom’s mentioned Kane a couple of times…before.”

“Oh.” Lexa says stupidly before following Clarke and sitting on the couch. But this time she gives enough space between them.

“Why did you choose Boston anyways?” Lexa asks and Clarke looks at her in surprise, not expecting that question.

“I chose Mass General because it has one of the best residency programs.”

“You didn’t think that you were being offered a position here because of Abby?”

“I…I did.” Clarke answers haltingly.

“But you came here anyways. Why?”

“Because I thought that even if I had got a position here because of my mom, I’d earn my stay here with my performance.” Words rush out and Lexa smiles victoriously.

But she doesn’t let it go. “Remind me again, Clarke. Who is the chief resident?”

Clarke glares at Lexa again and Lexa grins in reply. “See I told you. It’s been a while since you’ve grown out from under your mother. It’s time you realise it.”

Clarke is still glaring at Lexa. “So now you want me to choose Boston?” She asks defensively.

Lexa sighs, the tiny euphoric feeling she just a few seconds before all gone. “I just want you to talk with me.”

“You said you don’t want to be involved in my decision process.”

“I didn’t say that. Clarke, come on. Be reasonable. I said I’m not going to force you to choose anything. I never said that I won’t help you.”

“Help me choose Boston?”

“Is that so bad? That for a moment you might consider staying?” Her stomach churns uncomfortably at the thought that she wasn’t enough for Clarke to have a proper conversation with before she moved elsewhere.

Clarke looks taken aback for a second before anger clouds her eyes. Lexa stands up from the couch, angry now and she doesn’t try to pretend otherwise.

“Is this some sort of a time pass for you?” Lexa says indicating to the both of them.

Clarke also stands up from the couch. “Don’t you dare. How could you after everything I’ve told you? I--”

“Then stop acting like that. Cause the way you’re acting right now, that’s exactly how I feel.” There’s a lump in her throat which is making it for hard to talk. But more than all of that, she feels as if her heart has already made a hole through her ribs.

All the fight drains from Clarke’s body as her entire body visibly falls. Lexa….Lexa is still not alright. She waits. She waits for Clarke to say anything. Anything at all. But when it doesn’t come, she just walks past Clarke to their room.

And finally when she’s in the shower, she lets her tears fall.

\-----------------

She’s just staring at the television while she absentmindedly fiddles with her soup spoon, her thoughts elsewhere.

When she hears the door opens, she sees that it’s Anya.

“I thought you were there with dad now.” Lexa remarks lightly as she watches Anya collapse on the couch with an exhausted sigh.

“He was running his mouth and before I almost my temper, I left.” Anya says with her eyes closed as she leans back. “Mom’s with him.”

Lexa nods silently and for the first time she looks at the television wondering what the hell was actually going on in the show.

“You look like shit.” Anya comments drily and Lexa snorts. “Not as bad as you are.”

“Well, try spending an hour with dad and you’ll look out coming worse.”

“I was there for a while.” Lexa points out.

“Yeah. When he was fast asleep and then you smoothly handed him to me.” Anya replies and Lexa shrugs.

“I only came because he’s my father. Otherwise I wouldn’t even have bothered.” Lexa remembers to this date how he had reacted when she announced her engagement.

“I know.” Anya says but this time there’s a touch of softness in her voice.

Lexa looks back at the television when Anya asks her a rather hesitant question. “Have you umm…talked to Clarke?”

Lexa looks back at her and narrows her eyes. “Since when do you care whether I’ve talked to her or not?”

The only person who had liked Clarke from her family was her mom. Anya was always cold towards her while Titus was downright nasty.

Anya shakes her head. “It seems like you both rehearse answers.” She mutters but Lexa hears it anyway.

“What?”

“Clarke asked me the exact same thing.” Anya says and Lexa frowns.

“She blames you, you know?” Lexa says a few seconds later.

“Yeah, I gathered that. And I suppose I deserve it too. Had I known what a stupid decision you’d make, I would have never agreed to talk with you.”

Lexa just sighs in reply as the guilt hits her in waves. It’s never gone. It’s a constant presence ever since she found that Clarke also wanted to have kids. But sometimes just when she thinks she’s alright, something happens and it hits her hard and fast.

Anya is silent for a few minutes as she also watches the show. “What in the world possessed you to ask for a divorce without talking to her?”

It’s back and she almost gasps with the force of it. She closes her eyes and the first thing that pops into her head is Clarke in her flowing dress as she walked down the aisle.

“If I knew you were deciding--”

“I wasn’t happy, Anya. It was a constant reminder of how I’d never be enough for her. Not after all those fights. Not after everything that has happened.”

“Why would you--”

“It wasn’t once, Anya. I asked her the second time 3 years after the first time I ever brought it up. She said she needed time. And I understood. And then after all that time, she still says no.”

All the other times she and Clarke had fought, she had never felt a sense of hopelessness as she had when Clarke had stormed out of their apartment when she had brought up the topic again. Something had snapped then. She convinced herself for a long time to be happy. But after that, it felt like something was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

“I’m 36, Anya. How can I start all over again?”

“Then maybe you should have tried harder?”

Lexa stiffens and barely holds herself back from snapping at Anya. “There are supposed to be compromises from both sides. It felt like I was the only one giving up on my dreams.”

Anya says nothing.

“Just when I gave up, she says she wants to have a kid.” Lexa laughs mirthlessly. “All a mere 6 months after she said no. What could have changed for her in such a short time?”

Anya is silent again for a long time. “This is why you should have gone to a therapist.”

Lexa bristles at the accusatory tone but she knows Anya is right.

“I just really wanted to avoid all this.”

“And you thought that abruptly asking Griffin for a divorce would have avoided all the drama?” Anya asks incredulously.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t think a therapist was necessary. Not for me at least. I didn’t take anything lightly.”

“I know that you wouldn’t have done something like this without careful thinking. It just wasn’t a decision that you should have been taking on your own.”

\-----------------

She’s in her childhood bed when she gathers her guts to call Clarke again. She hates the feeling of apprehension that she now associates with Clarke.

She had lost all hope that everything was going to be okay again.

Three rings……Seven rings….ten rings and just when she’s about to hang up before letting it go to voicemail, Clarke answers.

“Hey.” Clarke sounds bleary. The forced politeness and hesitance in Clarke’s voice comes like a club to the head. Again.

“Were you sleeping? I’m sorry. I didn--” Lexa starts to ramble before she’s interrupted by a chuckle.

“Relax, Lexa. I wasn’t going to bed. I was just uhhh… not sleeping.” Clarke says as if she’s hiding something and Lexa knows what Clarke’s doing.

She’s drinking.

Lexa is silent for a long time listening to Clarke’s breath until Clarke calls out. “Lexa? Are you there?”

“Yes…yeah I’m here. I just….I just wanted to let you know that Titus is doing well.”

A moment of silence and then “Okay. That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Lexa wants to slam her head into the wall for making it even more awkward. “Also, sorry for not calling you--”

“It’s okay.” Clarke interrupts and Lexa frowns. It wasn’t okay.

“Clarke--” She starts.

“You wanted to tell me something?” Clarke interrupts her again with a sharp voice and Lexa is taken aback.

“Yeah. Ummm..I’m coming ho—I’m leaving New York tomorrow.” Clarke’s silent on the other end. Lexa’s pretty sure she heard her slip. Her entire head hurts too.

When Clarke still hasn’t replied, she says “I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”

Then yet another few seconds later, Clarke says “Okay.”

Clarke is angry. It felt like they were taking turns being angry with the other. So she tries to say something that might seem like a help.

“And maybe after I come there, we can look into the therapist.”

Lexa holds her breath waiting for Clarke’s reply but when it does come, it twists something deep and visceral in her.

“Okay.” More anger.

Knowing that it wasn’t helping like she thought it was, Lexa says “So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” Each and every single worded answer from Clarke seems to crush something inside her but she knows she started it. Clarke had every right to be angry. Just like she was.

“Good ni--” Lexa says but Clarke’s already hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kudos and comments. It means a lot. <3
> 
> The flashback to the fight is going to be either the next chapter or the one after that. And eventually their therapy. I'm getting there ;)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! :) :)


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